ADVICE to stay at home in the heatwave has been ignored by insufferable twats migrating in search of air-con. Here’s where you’ll find them:
Every table in every cafe
Unable to focus on their arthouse screenplay at home, insidious cool-hunting creatives have overrun coffee shops, smugly occupying any flat surface with a silver MacBook. Anyone popping on for a drink risks hearing their moneyed drawls discussing their process.
Every machine in every gym
Idling on an exercise ball is more suited to a soft play centre than a gym. But these gym goers are here for the breeze, lounging against the leg press like they’re waiting for a bus. Brazenly defying the one purpose of the place, they have come to not sweat and they gaze at your physical activity in disgust.
Every seat in every cinema
The heatwave has ruined the mindless, tranquil act of staring at a large screen by filling the room with chatty bastards banging on about how cool it is. Their incessant wittering makes these air-con seekers more annoying than Minions 2: The Rise of Gru.
The chilled aisle of every supermarket
Shuffling up and down the freezer aisle like zombies desperate for a touch of chill, barricading it Les Misérables-style with their sudden need to slowly examine exactly how many types of cheese this Lidl sells. The temptation to shove them in as they lean delightedly into the freezer is hard to overcome.
Every exhibit in every museum
Tourists, couples, families – anyone who wants summer excitement without summer weather is treating any indoor building as an icy holiday camp where their kids can escape heatstroke by doing a 50p quiz about Roman Britain and couples can stretch out on the benches in front of our industrial heritage. Culture at its finest.
Every desk in every office
The pandemic ended pointless co-worker interactions forever, until this week when all workers remembered offices are climate-controlled and decided Jacob Rees-Mogg had a point. But is it worth it to spend all day talking to twat colleagues about how hot it is and reciting the horrors of their commute as if they were Mad Max and the A5103 was Fury Road?