A MacBook at every table: six locations with air-con currently occupied by wankers

ADVICE to stay at home in the heatwave has been ignored by insufferable twats migrating in search of air-con. Here’s where you’ll find them:  

Every table in every cafe

Unable to focus on their arthouse screenplay at home, insidious cool-hunting creatives have overrun coffee shops, smugly occupying any flat surface with a silver MacBook. Anyone popping on for a drink risks hearing their moneyed drawls discussing their process.

Every machine in every gym

Idling on an exercise ball is more suited to a soft play centre than a gym. But these gym goers are here for the breeze, lounging against the leg press like they’re waiting for a bus. Brazenly defying the one purpose of the place, they have come to not sweat and they gaze at your physical activity in disgust.

Every seat in every cinema

The heatwave has ruined the mindless, tranquil act of staring at a large screen by filling the room with chatty bastards banging on about how cool it is. Their incessant wittering makes these air-con seekers more annoying than Minions 2: The Rise of Gru. 

The chilled aisle of every supermarket

Shuffling up and down the freezer aisle like zombies desperate for a touch of chill, barricading it Les Misérables-style with their sudden need to slowly examine exactly how many types of cheese this Lidl sells. The temptation to shove them in as they lean delightedly into the freezer is hard to overcome.

Every exhibit in every museum

Tourists, couples, families – anyone who wants summer excitement without summer weather is treating any indoor building as an icy holiday camp where their kids can escape heatstroke by doing a 50p quiz about Roman Britain and couples can stretch out on the benches in front of our industrial heritage. Culture at its finest.

Every desk in every office

The pandemic ended pointless co-worker interactions forever, until this week when all workers remembered offices are climate-controlled and decided Jacob Rees-Mogg had a point. But is it worth it to spend all day talking to twat colleagues about how hot it is and reciting the horrors of their commute as if they were Mad Max and the A5103 was Fury Road?

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Mail reader now sceptical about drinking water

A DAILY Mail reader is unconvinced by the supposed benefits of drinking water in a heatwave.

Having learnt to distrust aspirin, salt, women and foreigners from his media outlet of choice, Roy Hobbs has now turned his scepticism towards staying hydrated in a heatwave.

Hobbs said: “Why should I drink water when my body is already 60 per cent water? I notice the so-called ‘experts’ haven’t got an answer to that perfectly valid question.

“We don’t even know where water comes from or if it gives you cancer. Nothing on the internet confirms this theory, which must mean there’s a big cover-up going on. The Met Office? Yet another institution captured by wokery.

“First the vaccine, and now the government’s urging us to drink water all day. Am I the only one seeing the pattern here? They’ve probably laced it with 5G or discovered that a quenched population is more likely to reverse Brexit.

“The water board’s saying this to boost their profits. They’ll have to get up earlier than that to trick me. I’m riding out this heatwave by sipping nothing but boiling mugs of Ovaltine to prove the snowflakes wrong.”

Coroner Martin Bishop said: “Roy was found hyperventilating this morning wearing a foil blanket over a puffa jacket. Cause of death: idiocy.”