THE second volume of Matt Hancock’s diaries, covering when he found out his WhatsApps had been leaked, comes out today. These are the highlights:
March 1st, 2023
Wake up to find my face all over the news, presumably because the NFTs I launched have skyrocketed in value. That’s the Hancock effect! Sing Rocket Man, replacing ‘rocket’ with ‘Hancock’, in the shower.
Also March 1st, 2023
Gina, the love of my life, who I am so passionate about it doesn’t matter I was married when we met or that I gave my wife long Covid, informs me that it’s nothing to do with my NFTs and my WhatsApps have been released. ‘For sale?’ I ask, hopefully.
Still March 1st, 2023
It turns out the journalist I worked with on my diaries, a rabidly partisan right-winger and anti-lockdown fanatic, was not to be trusted. My personal messages are being published by the Daily Telegraph and everyone knows I killed their grandmother. This could get me on Dancing On Ice.
Continuing March 1st, 2023
Furious, I call Isabel Oakeshott and end up apologising to her. She was right, I shouldn’t have given her my WhatsApp password. It was irresponsible. I ask what’s going to be revealed in the next few days and she reassures me it won’t be anything that could damage Boris.
Later on March 1st, 2023
Britain seems to have decided I was solely to blame for the 43,256 deaths in care homes, ignoring the fact that many of the people I hired from my local pub were simply incompetent. Is that my fault? It would be like blaming the prime minister for appointing me.
Watching This Morning, March 1st, 2023
It looks like I’ll be carrying the can for this whole debacle alone. My openness, the level of recognition I have with the public, and my willingness to accept my fair share of blame means I’m on the hook for Covid, lockdown, and the needless deaths of millions. That’s the Hancock effect! WhatsApp Isobel about the diaries volume three.