The BBC's super-patronising guide to 17 per cent inflation

THE government is doing its best with inflation, it really is. The onus is on you little people to use less margarine or whatever. Here is our official BBC patronising inflation advice.

Set up a baked potato club

The BBC approvingly reported on a scheme where neighbours take turns to bake a batch of potatoes, which saves money and is good for the environment. Never mind the inconvenience of coordinating your potato consumption with other people or the f**king indignity of getting a neighbour to cook a 15p potato for you. 

Keep reminding yourself it’s not the government’s fault

Inflation is like earthquakes or rain, a natural phenomenon. So the Conservative government can’t do anything, much as they’d like to. There’s no way they could legislate to put much lower price caps on energy or nationalise anything, even partially. It would really hurt the feelings of poor little companies like Centrica and BP.

Find increasingly obscure ways of keeping warm 

A BBC blogger recommends buying flannel sheets instead of cotton. Bet you hadn’t thought of that! No, because you’ve got better things to think about. Maybe you can save on energy by replacing your 60W bulbs with 40W? Wow, this a paradigm shift up there with the heliocentric solar system!

Cook an unappealing £1 BBC recipe

The BBC has ‘developed’ meals costing less than £1 a serving. It’s not clear when it became the Beeb’s job to help the public live in poverty, but hey ho. Delights such as ‘spinach and chickpeas with bread’ await, where the tastiest element will undoubtedly be the vegetable stock cube. Many meals are vegetarian, calling to mind the medieval diet when peasants ate bland vegetable potage and the rich stuffed their faces with meat.

Enjoy our leaders’ comments reported at face value

Among many similar reports, the BBC informs us that: ‘Rishi Sunak has said he will “get a grip of inflation” before cutting tax.’ That was in July 2022, by the way. Tax cuts will take place this April. Still, reading unchallenged verbatim quotes posing as journalism is much cheaper than a Netflix subscription, right?

Avail yourself of our debt advice

The BBC offers chapter and verse on being unable to pay bills, such as agreeing small repayments so that ‘your arrears will grow more slowly’. Cool. There’s also a handy link to Citizens Advice and the usual. Of course you could argue that people shouldn’t be in debt over basic necessities like gas, but who cares about wider issues? Far more important is Westminster bubble reporting, eg. ‘Will Rishi win the heart and mind of Worcester Woman?’

Enter the realm of really mad ideas 

How about a ‘direct cremation’ for a loved one? This means no funeral service whatsoever, guaranteeing the ire of numerous relatives. Incinerating your dad cheaply isn’t much of a solution to inflation, but since you’re already considering mental ideas, why not make your dead hamster into a cosy ear-warmer for your daughter? Or fashion a cardboard suit from Amazon boxes? Hey, we should send these to the BBC – they’re great inflation-busting tips.

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Straight man convinced he would be a catch if he were gay

A STRAIGHT man is confident that, if he were to have been gay, he would absolutely clean up.

38-year-old Martin Bishop, a married father of two, has never been attracted to men. He is, however, adamant that if he had been homosexual he would have pulled all of the hotties.

Bishop said: “Before I settled down, I did okay with the ladies. Not brilliantly. But women are picky and choose the wrong guys. Gay men would have been well into me.

“It’s not bragging to say I’d definitely have been able to score Graham Norton and Rylan for one-night things, and I reckon full relationships with Andrew Scott and Ncuti Gatwa. Open, obviously, because that’s how gays do things.

“Andy, my gay mate, tends to go quiet when I bring it up. He doesn’t really do that well, so I imagine it’s envy. And he fancies me. Finding out I was off the market was tough for him and his community.

“Why don’t I get approached by men when I’m out? I imagine they’re intimidated by my raw masculinity. It would be a different story if I got Grindr, just to see, but I won’t.”