Panic as friend given phone to see photo starts swiping

A WOMAN who handed her phone to a friend to show her a photo has been gripped with sudden terror as the friend casually began to swipe. 

Nikki Hollis only intended to show off a picture of a cake she made for her sister’s birthday, only to watch pal Sophie Rodriguez take it as an open invitation to flick through her entire life.

Hollis said: “So far it’s just been the pic of me in the fleecy gorilla onesie I wear around the house, but she can’t be more than seven swipes away from the catalogue of well-lit boob pics I took for when the occasion arises on Tinder.

“She’s acting like it’s perfectly normal to expose the secrets that are strictly between a woman and her phone, throwing me off guard with lines like ‘Where did you take this one?’ and ‘You look cute in that outfit,’ but we both know this is a violation.

“What’s more likely to end the friendship? Punching her and grabbing my phone out of her snooping hands, or the HD close-up of that suspicious mole on my arse? But I’m paralysed by fear.”

Rodriguez said: “The tit shots are no big deal, we’ve all been there, but the screenshot of pottery classes in her local area really made me re-evaluate her as a human being.

“And she definitely ought to get that mole checked out.”

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Five surprising benefits of being an unlikeable twat

EVERYONE hates a disagreeable arsehole, but it’s far from all bad. These are the surprising benefits people rarely discuss: 

You’ll save loads of money

While the popular piss away their hard-earned cash on pints and presents for friends and family, you’re cleaning up. All your money is for you. You can pile it up on the living room carpet and sleep on it like Smaug, completely untroubled by the cost of living crisis.

Wave goodbye to small talk

Who likes hearing about other people’s weird dreams, fun weekends or work gripes? Nobody. And if you’re a repellent bellend 24-7, you’ll never have to. You’ll be left in peace while they take their boring bullshit to someone who’s a ‘good listener’, with your matchless internal monologue going uninterrupted.

More time for you

The friendly and gregarious waft through life buoyed up by love and support, but do they have enough spare time to paint a squad of Warhammer Ork Boyz? No. They’re out, or on the phone to their sister. Rude, avoided bastards, conversely, are free to dedicate their lives to what they enjoy, so long as these hobbies don’t involve other people or sex.

Scale career ladders with ease

Is your personality effortlessly awful? Don’t give a shit about stabbing people in the back in order to get ahead? Corporate life will treat you very well. You’ll rise through the ranks to become a manager within months due to your twattish tendencies, while amiable and better-qualified colleagues languish in entry-level roles forever.

You’ll always be right

A pleasant side effect of being unlikeable is that you’ll never be wrong. Even if you know nothing about the topic in question, your knee-jerk, instinctive thoughts will be the correct subjective opinion on the matter. Nobody will waste time challenging you, so your views will go forever unopposed.