23-year-old discovers mother was a real person once

A GROWN man has been left shaken after learning his mother is a complete person with a life that extends beyond him.

Tom Logan assumed, like all children, that his mother came into existence when he did and that mentions of a time before his birth were just filling in backstory.

But a conversation in which she revealed she had seen Nirvana at Reading in 1992, and photographic evidence of her doing so, shocked him to the core with the realisation she was once actually young and real like him.

Logan said: “The warning signs were all there. I just didn’t see them.

“I guess I could have worked out that she was young in the 90s. I never thought she was actually, like, young young, though. How could she have been, when mine is the first generation to listen to cool music and experiment with drugs?

“But from these photos it’s like she had a whole life outside of our family. Mates, jobs, holidays. Next thing I’ll find out she had dreams outside of being a mum or, even crazier, that she had other boyfriends before she met my dad.

“I wonder what happened to make her a two-dimensional background support player in the lives of others? So sad. It’ll never happen to me.”

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Incredible Brexit breakthrough makes things almost as good as they were before

AN amazing breakthrough Brexit deal has restored the situation in one small area of Britain to almost its blissful pre-2016 state. 

The Windsor Framework, a triumph of tough negotiating by Rishi Sunak, means that residents of Northern Ireland can enjoy the same privileges they did before Brexit with only a great deal more bureaucracy.

The prime minister said: “I’d like to see people knock Brexit now, when I’ve proved its damage can not only be mitigated but all but reversed.

“The people of Northern Ireland – who don’t even vote Conservative, so this was pretty bloody selfless – can, apart from a complicated two-lane import system, now carry on as if nothing has happened. And it’s taken a mere four prime ministers and seven years.

“No more threats to deliberately break international law. Not being able to send a parcel is over. German sausages, with their needlessly high meat content, are replaced by good old offal-and-sawdust British ones. Happy days are here again.

“If we can do it here, why not the whole of Britain? With a few more years negotiation we’ll have the same access to European markets, firm regulatory oversight and easy tomato imports we used to have.

“And they said Brexit was a failure. How wrong they were.”