Brexit hardman vs actual hardman: Who will win?

TORY MP Steve Baker is a self-styled Brexit hardman, but can he hold his own against a genuine thug? Thanks to the Isle of Dogs Boxing Club & Gym, we found out: 

The hardmen

Steve Baker, aged 51, pompous ERG member consulted by the media as if Brexit is a dynamic project he’s in charge of, when it’s pointless self-harm and he did nothing.

Wayne Hayes, aged 40, part-time bouncer and debt collector frequently consulted by the police about his role in acts of violence which the victims are oddly reluctant to discuss.

Round One

Baker comes out of his corner of the ring confidently telling Hayes he is someone to be feared in the Conservative Party. Fired up by years of bodybuilding and steroid abuse, Hayes twats him one, in a scene reminiscent of a silverback gorilla crushing a daffodil.

Round Two

The member for Wycombe attempts to intimidate Hayes with a furious rant about EU bureaucracy that has served him well against opponents such as Sophy Ridge and Robert Peston. Hayes agrees, saying he voted Brexit to ‘get rid of all the f**king Muslims’, before headbutting Baker, who runs away until the bell rings.

Round Three

When Hayes is distracted by the opportunity to broker a small-time cocaine deal on his phone, Baker sees his chance and lands an effeminate punch. Hayes finishes his call at his leisure and retaliates with repeated blows to the face while calling Baker a wanker, a sentiment shared by UK businesses.

Round Four

Using skills honed over 25 years of sickening violence, Hayes jabs Baker in the eye with his thumb and bites his nose. Baker angrily states this is against Queensberry Rules, prompting Hayes to repeatedly stamp on his testicles.

Round Five

Hayes is tiring due to his beer gut, clogged arteries from daily full English breakfasts and 40-a-day Rothmans habit. Baker goes three minutes dodging all but five extremely hard blows to the face, describing it as ‘a Brexit triumph’.

Round Six

Years of running with the Millwall Bushwhackers pay off when Hayes slashes Baker with a Stanley knife. Baker remonstrates, asking how he will get booked on Sunday with Laura Kuennssberg now. Hayes apologises and slashes his buttocks instead.

Round Seven

Trapped in a corner, Baker is knocked out. While Baker is unable to defend himself, Hayes proceeds to ‘administer the leather’ in time-honoured British pub fight tradition.

The judges’ verdict

It seems a Brexit hardman is intimidating only to middle-class MPs and BBC interviewers, not to a 16-stone bodybuilder who’s done time. Nonetheless it was a thrilling sporting event and one the judges said they would gladly watch again, perhaps next time with Jacob Rees-Mogg.

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'It's fireman not firefighter': seven absolutely bollocks culture war hills to die on

THE wokerati blame the UK’s massive problems on Brexit and the Tories while any sane person knows these are the real issues, writes Roy Hobbs, aged 64. 


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Taking the knee

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Meghan Markle

I had to wash my hands after even typing that woman’s name. The fact that a man like Prince Harry can go from upholding traditional British values like dressing as Rommel to leading the woke brigade shows you just how dangerous she is. Clarkson was right.

Vegan sausage rolls

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Allergy warnings

If I hear one more Guardian-reader complaining about a gluten or nut intolerance, I’m going to shove a Snickers in a baguette and ram the whole thing down their throat. To hell with ‘may contain this or that’, we need survival of the fittest. It’s why Charles Dickens invented evolution.

Changing James Bond

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