TORY MP Steve Baker is a self-styled Brexit hardman, but can he hold his own against a genuine thug? Thanks to the Isle of Dogs Boxing Club & Gym, we found out:
The hardmen
Steve Baker, aged 51, pompous ERG member consulted by the media as if Brexit is a dynamic project he’s in charge of, when it’s pointless self-harm and he did nothing.
Wayne Hayes, aged 40, part-time bouncer and debt collector frequently consulted by the police about his role in acts of violence which the victims are oddly reluctant to discuss.
Round One
Baker comes out of his corner of the ring confidently telling Hayes he is someone to be feared in the Conservative Party. Fired up by years of bodybuilding and steroid abuse, Hayes twats him one, in a scene reminiscent of a silverback gorilla crushing a daffodil.
Round Two
The member for Wycombe attempts to intimidate Hayes with a furious rant about EU bureaucracy that has served him well against opponents such as Sophy Ridge and Robert Peston. Hayes agrees, saying he voted Brexit to ‘get rid of all the f**king Muslims’, before headbutting Baker, who runs away until the bell rings.
Round Three
When Hayes is distracted by the opportunity to broker a small-time cocaine deal on his phone, Baker sees his chance and lands an effeminate punch. Hayes finishes his call at his leisure and retaliates with repeated blows to the face while calling Baker a wanker, a sentiment shared by UK businesses.
Round Four
Using skills honed over 25 years of sickening violence, Hayes jabs Baker in the eye with his thumb and bites his nose. Baker angrily states this is against Queensberry Rules, prompting Hayes to repeatedly stamp on his testicles.
Round Five
Hayes is tiring due to his beer gut, clogged arteries from daily full English breakfasts and 40-a-day Rothmans habit. Baker goes three minutes dodging all but five extremely hard blows to the face, describing it as ‘a Brexit triumph’.
Round Six
Years of running with the Millwall Bushwhackers pay off when Hayes slashes Baker with a Stanley knife. Baker remonstrates, asking how he will get booked on Sunday with Laura Kuennssberg now. Hayes apologises and slashes his buttocks instead.
Round Seven
Trapped in a corner, Baker is knocked out. While Baker is unable to defend himself, Hayes proceeds to ‘administer the leather’ in time-honoured British pub fight tradition.
The judges’ verdict
It seems a Brexit hardman is intimidating only to middle-class MPs and BBC interviewers, not to a 16-stone bodybuilder who’s done time. Nonetheless it was a thrilling sporting event and one the judges said they would gladly watch again, perhaps next time with Jacob Rees-Mogg.
