REGRETTABLY and for no apparent reason, I have split up with my wife Sarah Vine. So here’s how I plan to get back in the dating game and take a beauty home every night:
Practise pick-up lines
Long-term relationships can make your pick-up game rusty. My spad’s been good enough to set up a folder of solid gold lines, including ‘What’s your favourite post-Brexit trade deal?’ and ‘Fancy coming back to my grace-and-favour apartment so I can stimulate you with my engorged member?’
Make sure you’re over your ex
Don’t date a new parter as revenge. It’s unhealthy and unfair to them. Though I am very much over Sarah as she’s a foul, stunted troll who kept writing articles for the Daily Mail which managed to portray both of us as a massive twats.
Prepare for non-stop shagging
Bulk-buying 4,000 ribbed condoms is as prudent as it is anonymous online. I’ve read up on all the hot new sex acts like doggystyle, and imposed a rigorous three-a-day masturbation routine to increase my sexual stamina. I expect you’re grateful I shared this with you.
Hit the gym
After comfy married life, long evenings in hating the poor and so on, you’re probably out of shape. So I’ve been hitting the gym for five hours a day. My personal trainer Steve assures me I’ll soon resemble The Rock with Penfold from Danger Mouse’s head grafted on. Not sure who that is, probably another handsome actor.
Update your look
My new super-tight skinny jeans are getting a lot of admiring stares in the street. I’ve also invested in some new NHS glasses and a pair of Air Jordans. Once my skateboard arrives from Amazon I am going to look, as young people call it these days, ‘fly’.
Don’t be tempted to get back with your ex
Don’t mope about your ex. It will bore friends rigid (note to self: get friends) and the reasons for you splitting up won’t have changed. You’ll still be a semi-aquatic arsehole and she’ll remain a loathsome cow who gets paid for poison. Nothing personal.