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Minister for Self-Important Political Gestures resigns

THE minister for Resigning To Make A Political Point has offered her resignation to Keir Starmer. 

MP Emma Bradford, who accepted the position as part of her long-term plan to unseat the prime minister, has joined the junior minister for Storming Out Angrily and the minister for Self-Important Political Gestures in leaving the front bench.

She said: “The council election results, as well as whatever the thing is with Mandelson, have left me with no option but to tender my resignation.

“The cabinet is now missing several key positions including the under-minister for Pompously Walking Out On Principle, as well as multiple ministerial aides who may only have popped to Tesco Metro. Starmer’s position is untenable.

“If he does not announce his resignation, the under-secretary for One Last Resignation Just In Time For The Six O’Clock News may go. Just a rumour, but media should check their email at 5.30pm.

“Either that or I’ll take my old job back before the consultancies paying me £30k a month notice I’ve gone.”

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Any woman husband speaks to now referred to as 'your girlfriend'

A WOMAN has confirmed that if her husband engages in any interaction with a woman, that women then becomes his girlfriend and is referred to as such. 

Jo Kramer, aged 33, has so far branded a barista, a pharmacist, a Evri courier and the 87-year-old he talked to in a Post Office queue as her spouse’s girlfriend and, when irritated, as ‘your bloody tart’.

Husband Chris said: “A female chiropodist dealt with my bunions. Jo said ‘Give your bird a good seeing-to, did you?’ which I feel mischaracterised our relationship.

“Then at Waitrose I said ‘you too’ when the assistant wished us a good day, after which Jo asked why I didn’t go and marry her. It felt unchivalrous to point out she has a growth on her face and was wearing a hairnet.

“The work situation isn’t easy. Last week Jo asked if I was ‘off to see my work wife’ because a woman in accounts I’ve never met had emailed me a spreadsheet. And noted it was ‘interesting’ I got a haircut immediately afterwards.

“I tried returning fire by calling her pilates instructor ‘your boyfriend’. But she just mumbled something about him actually paying attention to her body and I didn’t push it.”

Couples counsellor Dr Helen Archer said: “The sarcastic use of ‘your girlfriend’ is rarely a sign of suspicion and more commonly a ritualised domestic sport, much enjoyed by couples who have run out of shows to watch together.

“However, it is weird that Jo said it when the family cat climbed on Tom’s lap.”

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