MPs under 30 'deeply weird'

ANYONE who enters politics when still in their 20s is strange, disturbed and should be stopped, voters have agreed. 

After 28-year-old Gen Kitchen became the new MP for Wellingborough last week, the public voiced support for banning anyone under 30 from entering politics because that is objectively weird.

Political scientist Dr Helen Archer said: “Liz Truss and William Hague got into politics young. I believe that’s the case against pretty much made.

“Though this is cross-party, because it’s always a freakshow. From Dehenna Davison, whose greatest achievement prior to becoming an MP was marrying a man 35 years her senior on Channel 4, to Keir Mather on work experience in a suit his mum bought in the Next sale.

“Anyone spending their fittest years with their glowing skin braying at 90-year-olds about tax credits should be the last person selected as a parliamentary candidate. It should disqualify them automatically, like jury duty.

“Everyone knows the best MPs are failures in business and life who only decide to run because they’re not qualified for anything else. That’s the only way to explain Lee Anderson.

“So to the next Mhairi Black, quit before you’ve wasted a decade achieving nothing in Westminster. You’ll never be this young and drug-resilient again. Enjoy it.”

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Night out with mates disappointingly good in the end

A MAN who had spent all week complaining about a night out he was forced to go on with close friends is deeply annoyed at himself for enjoying it. 

40-year-old Tom Booker was roped into an evening of pizza, drinks and crazy golf with four old university friends, tried to get out of it multiple times, was left with no choice but to grudgingly attend, and to his dismay had a great time.

He said: “We met at an IPA lounge like absolute arseholes, though the beer was good and the music wasn’t too loud and actually it was nice to get out.

“Everyone was pleased to see me, to the point I had to physically force the sides of my mouth down on principle after the fuss I’d made to my wife about how desperate I was not to go.

“Irritatingly, the night only got better from there. Golf was fun, drinking was fun, I haven’t felt so young in a long time, I really bonded with them on a deep level and it’s pissed me right off.

“It was 4am when I got back, in a state of intense turmoil about my own gratification and also because of a kebab. My wife said ‘See, I told you it’d be fun,’ so that’s made me look a twat as well.

“The lads have all decided we should do this again some time. I suggested trying the new buffet place in the Corn Exchange. I’m sickened by myself.”