NADINE Dorries has been made the minister for culture war with a remit to have all Britain in vicious conflict about bullshit by 2024.
The committed ideologue, who was the first person voted off 2012’s I’m A Celebrity, plans to set husband against wife and brother against sister on a range of issues from James Bond to Noddy to the correct composition of a ploughman’s lunch.
She said: “To begin with, you know Paddington 3? They’re going to ruin it by being totally woke. I know. You should be f**king furious about that and not notice other stuff.
“Anyway, I am proud to take up this appointment, which as a Christian against gay marriage I was appointed to specifically to get on Britain’s tits.
“I’ll be attacking the BBC for being far too left-wing under its former Tory MP director general, getting in a Twitter fight with Gary Lineker about his unpatriotic Christmas decorations, and calling The Archers a Soviet soap opera for Communists.
“There won’t be a cultural experience untouched by my bullshit. You’ll know no peace. Even watching Strictly or listening to Ed Sheeran will be a battleground between left and right and God help you if you read a book.
“Then, while we’re raging about whether Billy Connolly was the prejudicial comedy of class war, Boris will quietly get re-elected and my job will be done.”