TalkSport presenter and other dickhead jobs Andrew Neil could do now

ANDREW Neil is unemployed after jacking in GB News just three months after he started it. What dickhead job could he do next?

LBC host

LBC will take any old washed up has-been with an inflammatory opinion, making it perfect for Neil. A further plus point is that he could rant about the evils of the EU from his luxury home in France and no one would know he wasn’t presenting from good old Blighty.

TalkSport presenter

Another graveyard for the jaded or the unhinged, this would make a good home for Neil. Even if he knows nothing about sport, he would have plenty to say about taking the knee, and that would be enough for a twice weekly show.

Strictly contestant

Neil could follow in the footsteps of broadcasting heavyweights such as Natasha Kaplinsky and John Sergeant by putting on his sequins and giving ballroom dancing a whirl. He’ll have to sacrifice a bit of pride, but he will be used to that after the disaster that is GB News.

Cabinet Minister in Boris Johnson’s government

What job is better suited to an over opinionated blowhard with a penchant for stoking bullshit culture wars than as a minister in the current government? In fact, Neil could take over Prime Minister’s Questions, as he’s way better at public speaking than the current incumbent.

Contributor to GB News

If all else fails, why not remain a contributor to the very channel that you have just resigned from? Which is exactly what Neil is doing. Despite launching GB News, he’ll be glad viewers are now switching off in droves because the embarrassment of playing second fiddle to Nigel Farage must be awful.

Retirement

Neil is 72, he’s had a long and successful career and he clearly wants to spend all of his time at home abroad. Why doesn’t he just quit broadcasting for good and spend his time privately fuming about the perils of foreign countries while enjoying France’s finest weather, wine and cheese? We’ll all be happier.

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How to be in love with someone but never, ever let them know

DEEPLY and profoundly in love with someone? Terrified they’ll find out and reject you?  Here are five fool-proof methods of keeping your crush hidden: 

Spend loads of time with them

Back when you were a teenager you never spent time with your crushes. You mooned over them in the privacy of your own bedroom or lunchtime chess club. Therefore, spending as much time as possible with your secret beau, at their beck and call day and night, means they’ll never suspect you’re interested.

Disapprove whenever they go on a date

Their search for love wouldn’t bother you if you weren’t deeply devoted to them. But on the other hand, affecting disinterest will make it obvious you’re hiding something. So walk the middle road by taking exception to every possible partner from the off, but pretend it’s a joke.

Like all their social media posts

Supportive friends support one another – and how better to do that than by liking their profile picture 16 seconds after they update it? Waiting a few minutes would make it seem like you were intentionally waiting so they didn’t suspect anything. Not falling into that trap.

Describe your type as someone matching their exact description

While having yet another casual conversation about soulmates and not necessarily recognising you’ve met The One straight away, don’t be evasive. They’ll see right through your description borrowed from Love Island (petite, blonde, big arse), so instead say your ideal type is exactly like them except for one detail like ‘not allergic to nuts’.

Date someone else

The perfect way to show that you’ve got nothing to hide is by going out with someone else. Even if the relationship is miserable, it proves that you definitely, definitely wouldn’t rather be with them because you’re with this awful person instead. Great.