Knobheads poised to call 'light set of measures' a draconian affront to liberty

UNBEARABLE arseholes are ready to slam light pandemic restrictions as an unjustified authoritarian attack on freedom.

The proposed bare-minimum measures, which will save lives for free and will not be legally enforced, are already being described by hate-fuelled zealots in deranged WhatsApp groups as ‘how Hitler got started.’

Raving nutjob Mary Fisher said: “You’re telling me I might have to open windows and think about wearing a face mask again? Talk about a boot stamping on a human face forever.

“Protecting children and the most vulnerable with a miracle cure was the first step on the road to an oppressive New World Order. This is the second. Or, wait, the previous lockdowns were the first so this is the third. But then there were two lockdowns.

“Anyway, Britain’s a Communist dictatorship and my family don’t talk to me anymore.”

Laurence Fox retweeter Roy Hobbs said: “If I want to put unsustainable pressure on the NHS by flouting the faintest whiff of advice I should be free to do so. That’s what living free looks like.

“And when it doesn’t work, which it won’t because millions of us are flouting the rules, even harsher restrictions will kick in and I won’t consider myself responsible or consider the irony of my actions even for a second.”

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Why I never take my earbuds out, by a twat

ME? I’m the guy in earbuds. All day every day, from the train to the coffeeshop to the office, through every conversation. Because I’m a dick, that’s why. 

What? How dare you judge me when you have no idea what’s going on in my head? It could be anything from 90s Britpop to classic Desert Island Discs to the sound of my own sweaty breath.

It’s not your concern if I’m ‘missing out on the natural sounds around me’. I’m so used to not fully interacting with the world that a true crime story told in painstaking, gruesome minutiae is as natural to me as birdsong.

Having the full use of five senses is overrated. I’ve got maybe 40 per cent of my hearing so I get the gist of what an office manager, Sainsbury’s cashier or girlfriend is saying without getting hung up on details.

I can still tell when someone’s shooting me a disapproving look because I’m listening to an Ibiza dance mix while they’re talking, so don’t say I’m not able to engage with the world. I just don’t care.

People call me rude, but I’m too distracted concentrating on the Michelle Obama audiobook to remember that there’s anyone else inhabiting the planet alongside me.

So yeah, I’m the earbuds dick and I’m not sorry. Want to whine about it? Go ahead. I’m wearing earbuds.