Poem about Jeremy Corbyn may be shittest thing ever

A WOMAN’S poem praising Jeremy Corbyn may be the most horrendous thing ever to exist.

Momentum member Nikki Hollis, 25, wrote the appalling poem, entitled ‘Simply the Jez’, and posted it on various websites where, bizarrely, some people appeared to like it.

Friend Tom Logan said: “It’s like something an 11-year-old girl would write about One Direction, except it would be less creepy if it was about Harry Styles instead of an ageing Poundland Trotsky.

“I think the worst bit was: ‘Life without you my Jeremy would be totally unthinkable, / Come on baby hit me with your deeply held socialist principles.’

“No, this bit was more rancid: ‘Your eyes are full of wisdom, your voice sings out with rhythm, / I don’t think you’ve really got, / A problem with antisemitism.’

“It doesn’t even scan properly, although obviously there are deeper problems with a piece of verse that makes you feel physically sick when reading it.”

However Hollis defended the poem: “It rhymes, therefore it’s poetry. Also it’s a free country. I can call Jeremy ‘the Gandalf of my girlish heart’ if I want to.”

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A six-step guide to kissing your boss's arse

MAYBE you’re already the office’s snivelling little arse-licker, but you could always do better. If you’re angling for a promotion or a pay rise, or just a desperately needy person, here’s how to brown-nose like a champion:

Be there for them when nobody else is
Show up when nobody else would. This could be during bathroom breaks, when they’re showering, sleeping or at their children’s school football match.

Have your picture taken with them
Stand behind them while they sit at their desk. This makes them look important and you look like an obsequious turd who’s desperate for the slightest validation. They like that.

Tell them their eyes sparkle
Sure, you like your boss’s eyes, but more specifically, you like the way they dance with delight. Also, tell them they have fantastic thighs.

Make a list of people they are better than
Gareth Southgate is a great manager, but compared to your boss he’s as useless as Iain Duncan Smith or Gordon Brown. And any fucking idiot could have started Amazon.

Bring in homemade gifts 
It could be a mug, some lollipop sticks you stuck together or a life-size bust of your boss sculpted from finest Italian marble.

Dress up as them
Try dressing the same as your boss on a daily basis. Installing cameras around their bedroom while they’re out will be helpful.