PAIN-IN-THE-ARSE hotel guests are to be rated out of five in an attempt to improve the standard of their visits.
Under the new scheme, guests will be ‘named and shamed’ for infractions such as excessive sexual noise, acting like rampaging monkeys in the restaurant and whether they smell.
Hotel manager Norman Steele said: “As well as the star rating, guests will be subjected to the same angry, nitpicking criticism they usually put on TripAdvisor.
“Just this morning I put up my review of Derek Fenton of Telford and his family, which read ‘WORST GUESTS EVER!!! No manners and left kettle in the toilet for some reason. How do I rate these guests? WANKERS!!!’.
“We’re looking to weed out the worst guests so they’ll sleep in their cars rather than stealing everything that isn’t bolted down or ruining our lovely mattresses with their vile bodily fluids.
“They’ve got to realise they’re facing global competition from European, Japanese and even Mexican tourists. If they don’t improve their service they’ll be camping on roundabouts.”
Hotel guest Emma Bradford said: “Today on TripAdvisor it said I was an ‘annoying, low-quality moron’, all because me and my mates unscrewed the entire shower cubicle and tried to nick it.”