Wanker hotel guests to be reviewed on TripAdvisor

PAIN-IN-THE-ARSE hotel guests are to be rated out of five in an attempt to improve the standard of their visits.

Under the new scheme, guests will be ‘named and shamed’ for infractions such as excessive sexual noise, acting like rampaging monkeys in the restaurant and whether they smell.

Hotel manager Norman Steele said: “As well as the star rating, guests will be subjected to the same angry, nitpicking criticism they usually put on TripAdvisor.

“Just this morning I put up my review of Derek Fenton of Telford and his family, which read ‘WORST GUESTS EVER!!! No manners and left kettle in the toilet for some reason. How do I rate these guests? WANKERS!!!’.

“We’re looking to weed out the worst guests so they’ll sleep in their cars rather than stealing everything that isn’t bolted down or ruining our lovely mattresses with their vile bodily fluids.

“They’ve got to realise they’re facing global competition from European, Japanese and even Mexican tourists. If they don’t improve their service they’ll be camping on roundabouts.”

Hotel guest Emma Bradford said: “Today on TripAdvisor it said I was an ‘annoying, low-quality moron’, all because me and my mates unscrewed the entire shower cubicle and tried to nick it.”

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Stop being melodramatic little twats, children told

CHILDREN have been told to take it down a few notches and stop being so bloody melodramatic.

Parents across the nation have told their offspring to stop making such a huge deal of everything from incredibly tedious playground events to seeing a bee.

Mum-of-three Nikki Hollis said: “Today my two-year-old started screeching like he was trying to cause an avalanche somewhere thousands of miles away.

“Why? There was a bit of sweetcorn in his mashed potato. One tiny bit, but could he just pick it out? No. That would be too easy, wouldn’t it? Bloody drama queen.”

Dad-of-two Roy Hobbs agreed: “My five-year-old thinks it’s an earth-shattering event if her friend Katie isn’t friends with Liam anymore. Christ. Get a sense of perspective.

“Also she doesn’t like having her hair washed and screams like there’s a shark in the bath. Every. Single. Bath time. The neighbours must think we’re monsters.”

Neighbour Tom Booker said: “That’s OK. I have two melodramatic little shits of my own.”