Actually Europe will pay £50 billion to us, says Brexiter

A BREXIT voter has explained that actually, far from Britain owing the EU £50 billion, they will pay that exact sum to us. 

Martin Bishop of Ludlow told colleagues that the rumoured £50 billion exit bill is nothing more than a bluff from European officials hoping to reduce the vast debt of honour they owe the UK.

He continued: “Really we deserve far more, but we’re being lenient. That’s our trouble as a country. Too kind-hearted.

“But when you consider we got Europe up and running, gave it civilisation, didn’t interfere when they wanted all their own languages despite the inconvenience to us then saved them in not one but two world wars, they’re getting a bargain.

“That’s a £780 bonus for every man, woman and child in the country, which we didn’t even mention in the referendum because we didn’t need to bribe Britain to do the right thing.”

Bishop added: “Ten years? All the trade deals are already done, mate. Didn’t take ten minutes.

“We will let them stay in the single market. We’re just making them sweat a bit.”

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Old white man not sure why he isn't massively powerful

AN 81-YEAR-OLD white man is confused about why he isn’t running the world.

Widower Roy Hobbs spends his days gardening and watching documentaries about bridges that got blown up in the war, but he would happily control the stock market and hold governments in the palm of his hand.

He said: “Apparently old white men run the world, but I can’t even get someone round to fix my boiler.

“I wouldn’t mind being a business kingpin or head of some secret banking society, making decisions that influence the lives of millions. Not that I’m particularly into those things, but it’d give me an excuse to chat to more people.

“A bit of power might be good though. In my big office I’d be like ‘bring me some Hob Nobs!’ and bang my fist against my massive desk.

“Then a young lad would appear with Hob Nobs and a cup of tea that is neither too milky nor too strong.

“But perhaps that level of influence would corrupt me and I’d end up demanding crab paste sandwiches with the crusts removed. That’s when you know you’ve lost it.”