‘Andy Burnham’ a composite designed by Labour committee

THE  Labour leadership favourite was created using Photoshop and a computer programmed regional accent, it has emerged.

‘Andy Burnham’ claims to have been born in 1970 but was in fact conceived in 2006 by a top secret group working out of Labour HQ.

His looks were designed using images of estate agency employees of the month, Kays catalogue male models and the cut-out face of a 1980s assistant coach at Sheffield Wednesday.

The name Andy Burnham was arrived at following dozens of focus group sessions with floating voters, seeing off alternatives like Gary Youngishman, Steve Pragmatt and Dave Blairunlike.

Seven Labour workers then had plastic surgery to become ‘Andy Burnham’, trained to do his accent and mouth scripted glossy platitudes.

Tom Booker, who worked on the project, said: “I always saw ‘Andy Burnham’ as being all things to all voters. That’s why we created several of him.

“We want an Andy Burnham who can eat a curry non-awkwardly and an Andy Burnham who promises he’ll be tough on immigration; an Andy Burnham who can talk football with working folk and an Andy Burnham who can talk corporate tax concessions with the CBI.”

The ruse was only uncovered when some party members wondered how he could be addressing a branch meeting in St Helens while simultaneously appearing live on Channel 4 News.

Rival candidate ‘Liz Kendall’ said, “So, there are seven Andy Burnhams, Let me assure you, there are only three Liz Kendalls.”

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Dear Holly: That jackass Grimshaw has usurped me

Dear Holly,

I was recently made redundant, only to discover that some wet-behind-the-ears talentless young upstart called Nick Grimshaw has usurped my position. That Radio 1 jackass was still in nappies when I was drinking Capri Sun with Boyzone in the back of a tour bus. No-one knows more about exploiting young people for profit than I, and yet my experience counts for nothing next to that baby-faced DJ twat. How can I murder him live on TV without maiming Rita Ora by mistake?



Dear Louis,

I feel sorry for the elderly because once you hit 35 you’re basically too old to do most things and you need to stop trying to be young and rad because it’s embarrassing for the rest of us. The good thing is that by your thirties you become biologically predetermined to stop wanting to do fun stuff like ride on roller coasters and go to cool parties that last three days, instead you start to enjoy pointless stuff like a wee sit down, or a rubbish view of mountains and stuff. That’s a good thing, because while you’re having a cosy time looking at rakes in Homebase the rest of us young hipsters can get on with ruling the world.

Hope that helps,