Foxes regret voting Tory

FOXES who voted Conservative were not expecting the government to start killing them again.

Plans to relax the hunting ban are a blow to Tory foxes, whose voting choice put them at odds with many woodland creatures.

Fox Wayne Hayes said: “I don’t ask for state handouts, even if it means working till 3am to provide for my family by ripping open bin bags or killing shitloads of chickens and only eating bits of them.

“I’m a big believer in Conservative values like self-reliance, which is why I sneak into your house and eat your cat’s biscuits, or your cat.”

Vixen Donna Sheridan said: “I blame that moronic Wes Anderson film that makes us look like a leftist, anti-authority species.

“Every week I religiously steal a copy of Mail on Sunday from the newsagent, and it’s bloody heavy with the You magazine and everything. Hurts your jaws.”

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Strikes supposed to be annoying, say Tube drivers

LONDONERS complaining that the Tube strike is frustrating have been reminded that is the point.

Commuters have criticised the lack of trains, in the apparent belief that the disruption of London’s transport network is an unintended side-effect of industrial action, rather than its main objective.

Financial analyst Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s bloody typical that the tube drivers didn’t think of arranging replacement tube drivers before going off on strike. No wonder everybody’s pissed off with them.”

Digital marketer Tom Booker added: “Why can’t they strike while continuing to do their jobs? These unions just act in the interests of their members.”

Striking Tube driver Bill McKay said: “People need to make the mental connection between it taking ages to get to work and us wanting something.

“It’s not like we haven’t done it enough times now.”

He added that people like Tom Booker could strike all year round and it wouldn’t matter because nobody gave two shits about digital marketing.