Horrible couple work out they will be precisely £184.51 better off

A VILE, grasping couple have done post-budget calculations to work out exactly how much more money they will get.

Whereas most people find the budget too complicated to worry much about, project manager Tom Logan and his awful partner Emma Bradford used an online calculator to figure out the precise sum, which took them half an hour.

Logan said: “Could be better, could be worse, but the important thing is that it’s more money. It could pay for our flights to an aspirational destination in Southern France, if we book well in advance which we always do because we are almost uncannily organised.”

Bradford said: “I might spend it on an apron with rabbits on it from Cath Kidston.

“Interesting to see them raising inheritance tax. My ageing father is worth £1.14 million if you count his house.

“It would be a shame if he had a little accident.”

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Boundary of North decided by measuring Kent resident's lip curl

THE government is to decide where the North begins by putting a Kent man on the train to Leeds and measuring his disdain.

Family solicitor Julian Cook of Hythe will board the East Coast main line, wired with devices that will measure lip curling, involuntary shudders and rapid eye movement indicating he does not know where to look.

He said: “Some say the demarcation line is poverty, but there’s poverty in the south. The next-doors have a Peugeot 308 as their only car.

“What are they going to use this data for? Are they building the wall, at last?”

A Treasury spokesman said: “By sending unmanned probes up the M1 we have conclusively established that the North exists, and now it falls to the brave, and sadly doomed, Mr Cook to find exactly where.

“Then we will be able to build our Northern powerhouse there and bring prosperity, happiness and gourmet burgers to the region.

“Early indications are that it’s somewhere around Stevenage, so nice and handy for London.”

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