Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from the BBC regarding your new version of Fake Or Fortune about breasts.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You have to stop pretending your jazz pianist career is going well when you finally start sleeping in the piano.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Friday you’ll be working in just your pants. The fact you’ll be working from home is merely a happy coincidence.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you wonder why Hollywood stopped making films you could really relate to, about wonder emporiums owned by people called Mr Magorium.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
When you find somebody that can cut your hair just the way you like it, you want to hang on to them. But their relatives eventually drag you out so they can fill the grave.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Musicians will tell you that people will pay $5 for a coffee but not for an album. But in fairness, Starbucks don’t make coffees featuring a guest appearance by Pitbull.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You manage to reach a compromise with your neighbour this weekend when they agree to keep their music down after 11pm and you agree to stop pissing all over their car in the middle of the night and not telling them.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s 2015, so maybe finally time to take your high score on Pac Man off the ‘achievements’ section of your CV.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s true that your cat is like a little human being, inasmuch as like every other human in the world it doesn’t care less whether you drop dead.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
It pays to be sensible. By cancelling Sky, switching energy providers and transferring your credit card to a 0% introductory offer, you’ve managed to save enough money to afford crack on Mondays now, too.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not convince a colleague that Hanson’s single MMMBop is about somebody punching a meditating Buddhist monk?
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
67% humidity tonight. Like the breath of an elderly relative after soup.