You will be judged on approach to M25 from M4, warns God

MORTALS will be judged on whether they choose to jump the queue for the M25, God has confirmed.

God said: “It is a simple but effective test of character. The minute you see that queue for the M25, you join it at the BACK.

“What you do not do is try to get as close as possible by carving up about thirty cars before blocking lane one of the M4 while waiting for someone to let you in. That’s what is known as giving in to temptation.

“You may shave a couple of minutes off your journey but it is a mistake you will have all eternity to ponder on as you sit in a lava pool having your shoulders flayed.”

God added: “It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than it is for a BMW driver to enter the kingdom of heaven”.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no word from the BBC regarding your new version of Fake Or Fortune about breasts.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You have to stop pretending your jazz pianist career is going well when you finally start sleeping in the piano.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
On Friday you’ll be working in just your pants. The fact you’ll be working from home is merely a happy coincidence.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you wonder why Hollywood stopped making films you could really relate to, about wonder emporiums owned by people called Mr Magorium.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
When you find somebody that can cut your hair just the way you like it, you want to hang on to them. But their relatives eventually drag you out so they can fill the grave.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Musicians will tell you that people will pay $5 for a coffee but not for an album. But in fairness, Starbucks don’t make coffees featuring a guest appearance by Pitbull.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You manage to reach a compromise with your neighbour this weekend when they agree to keep their music down after 11pm and you agree to stop pissing all over their car in the middle of the night and not telling them.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s 2015, so maybe finally time to take your high score on Pac Man off the ‘achievements’ section of your CV.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It’s true that your cat is like a little human being, inasmuch as like every other human in the world it doesn’t care less whether you drop dead.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
It pays to be sensible. By cancelling Sky, switching energy providers and transferring your credit card to a 0% introductory offer, you’ve managed to save enough money to afford crack on Mondays now, too.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week, why not convince a colleague that Hanson’s single MMMBop is about somebody punching a meditating Buddhist monk?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
67% humidity tonight. Like the breath of an elderly relative after soup.