Because I’m worth it, says May

THERESA May has confirmed that a supremely skilled politician like herself is easily worth £1 billion. 

The prime minister told Britain she is a strong, confident woman who will not allow anyone to bring her down, and that the cost of keeping her in power is irrelevant.

She continued: “I believe in myself, and that means I can do anything. Literally anything.

“What does a billion pounds buy? 35,000 junior doctors or primary school teachers? Or a prime minister of unparalleled talent and achievements who will double this country’s income in two years?

“There is no other politician capable of the kind of dazzling, visionary moves I can pull off. No other world leader who commands such absolute respect.

“Like the transfer fee for Ronaldo, this may seem steep now but in years to come will be recognised as an unbelievable bargain. You’d pay twice as much.”

May added: “Now come on. We’ve got a country to fix. What should I cut first?”

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DUP gets £1bn for murals of fat Protestant men in bowler hats

THE DUP is to get £1bn of taxpayers money to spend on very large paintings of fat men in bowler hats and orange sashes.

DUP leader Arlene Foster welcomed the cash as part of the ‘confidence and supply’ deal with Theresa May’s ‘government’ and promised a new, golden age of sectarian ‘art’.

She added: “We have murals depicting King William of Orange on his lovely horse, Her Majesty the Queen super-imposed over a Union Jack and members of certain paramilitary organisations of which we disapprove almost all of the time.

“All of these paintings take their rightful place in the great Western tradition of fine art.

“With this billion pounds we can now immortalise hundreds of chunky, loyalist men in their Sunday best hats with the sort of really skillful painting that can truly capture their hatred of Popery.”