BNP Launches Aryan Spread

THE British National Party has launched a racially pure sandwich spread for people whose necks are wider than their heads.

Hatey-Yum is a blend of bulldog sweat, Winston Churchill's cigar smoke and the bone marrow of a skinhead virgin.

Party leader Nick Griffin said: "It spreads straight from the fridge and is the final solution to ethnically inferior toast and mongrel baps.

"When you open the lid it plays Hope and Glory and when you close it plays the Horst Wessel song, thereby making it an enjoyable after-school experience for your robust Aryan offspring.

"All other spreadable products are foreign and have a deep seated desire to take your job and turn your house into an halal abattoir. Do not allow them in your fridge – they will rape your cheese."

Mr Griffin added: "There are dozens of communities across Britain who are sick of seeing decent white bread covered in bongo juice and mumbo-jumbo jam and are crying out for something strong and pure that will distort their face into a rictus of hate."

Supermarket manager Nikki Hollis said: "We think people will either love it or hate it, depending on what sort of cretin they are.  Though I have to admit it does actually sound better than Sandwich Spread."

Tom Logan, a shopper from Stevenage, said: "Whatever next, jars of sugary, fruity goo with tokens that you can collect to claim a stuffed dolly that's horribly offensive to black people?"


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Noisy Welsh Girls Accumulating Money

NOISY Welsh girls are accumulating money at an increasingly terrifying rate, experts warned last night.

As new figures show that brassy, sassy hard-drinking female singers from the Dark Place have never been wealthier, researchers stressed it is the worst thing that has ever happened and that we are all going to die.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "It is now a question of when, not if, they seek dominion over all living things.

"My computer modelling shows that the noisier they get, the more wealth they accumulate, until eventually they have all the money and everyone has either gone deaf or thrown themselves in front of a crocodile.

"Those that remain will be at the mercy of these earthy, wide-hipped maniacs with their push-up knockers and insatiable appetites."

Brubaker said Charlotte Church was now the dominant noisy Welsh girl and was using rugby man Gavin Henson as a sperm pump to create a platoon of regional governors who are not as stupid as they sound.

Meanwhile the very slightly quieter Katherine Jenkins is cultivating her image as the 'forces' sweetheart' so that she can one day buy the army and use it to enforce the whims of Church and her Cardiff drinking gang.

He added: "Everyone was focused on the banks and the bonuses, but all the while Church and Jenkins have been quietly accumulating enormous piles of cash. Except of course that they weren't quiet, they were unbelievably loud. And we stood there and did nothing.

"Future generations – if there are any – will hate us like Nazis."