Boris's butler pulling the strings

BORIS Johnson’s highly capable manservant Hardwicke has advised him to stand as an MP.

“Better clear the internet history, sir”

Hardwicke, who has been Mr Johnson’s manservant since the business with Clanger Rathbone, Lady Julia and the stuffed warthog, is entirely responsible for Johnson’s otherwise inexplicable rise to power.

Following the unfortunate business of Sir Billy ‘Maggot’ Truckle and the missing gravy boat at Hamworth Hall, Hardwicke discreetly secured for Johnson a column in the Daily Telegraph.

When Johnson was arrested for pinching a police motorbike on Boat Race Night, it was Hardwicke who smoothed things over by ensuring he became Mayor of London.

However Hardwicke said: “I’m afraid my master is quite ill-equipped for the role of PM. He’s more hair than brains, you see.”

Johnson said: “Couldn’t do without the fellow. Last time he went on holiday I lost my trousers during the to-do with Lady Marchmont’s rare breed terrier at Chumpney-on-Thames, and had to steal a pair from a scarecrow.

“Dashed embarrassing, as it was the opening ceremony of the London Olympics that night.

“He’s quite right, of course. I’d make a right bally hash of being PM. Probably topple backwards and sit on the nuclear button or something.

“Maybe it’s worth a pop though.”

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I have completely changed my mind about Scottish independence

Dear Holly,

Call me fickle, but I have completely changed my mind about Scottish independence. It seemed like a brilliant idea a wee while ago, but when it comes down to it, I can’t actually be arsed with the whole thing. Just thinking about all the paperwork and other boring stuff we’ll have to do if we get rid of the Union, there’ll be no time left to enjoy the finer things in life. Do you think anyone will mind if I ditch the whole thing? 

Alex Salmond


Dear Alex,

Sometimes things that seem like a splendid idea in your head actually turn out to be complete idiocy. But it’s not until you take a leap of faith and put your ideas into practice that you can really know if they will work. There is a fine line between genius and getting hospitalised because your homemade Spiderman suit fails at the last minute.

Hope that helps!