McIlroy must slay Grendel

RORY McIlroy must fight a legendary monster before being granted entry to golf’s hall of heroes.

Hit it with a golf club

The forthcoming PGA Championship will be held in the sacred realm of Valhalla, where fabled golfers feast day and night on wild boar, while caddies serve them mead from the skulls of their defeated rivals.

McIlroy is hoping to join them following his recent victory at the British Open, but first he must do battle with the evil giant Grendel, armed with just a nine-iron and his lucky polo shirt.

Should he prevail, the Northern Irishman will be borne to the warrior paradise in an electric buggy driven by Valkyries, before taking his place alongside the mythical heroes Martin Kaymer and Bubba Watson.

McIlroy said: “It won’t be easy against Grendel, but I killed Phil Mickelson with a slingshot made from a sun visor, so I fancy myself to rip his arm off somewhere on the back nine.

“But if the monster defeats me, at least I’ll die like a hero, with a golf club in my hand, and my body will be placed on a burning longboat and sent out into the water hazard on the 18th.”

Julian Cook, a golf fan from Braintree, said: “If there’s one thing that represents the eternal struggle between civilisation and the darkness that threatens to overwhelm it, it is definitely golf.”

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Sad ripped-off family overdoes it in photo

A FAMILY that lost money on something has overdone the ‘fake sad faces’ in a group photograph.

39-year-old Tom Logan, his wife Sally and their two children found themselves let down after trusting either a bank, estate agent or theme park.

They had their picture taken while describing their ordeal but failed to achieve realistically forlorn expressions.

Tom Logan said: “It was either too much or too little. My wife just looks like she’s got PMT and the kids are clearly faking it.

“The photographer suggested we slap each other, then showed us a picture of a dead pony on his phone. Even so, the result was lame.

“To be honest having the photo done was far worse than whatever it was that happened to us.”