Britain And America To See Other Countries

BRITAIN and America have announced a trial separation during which they will be free to see other countries. 

Tensions have been building between the two since the ill-fated decision to buy and refurbish a run-down Middle Eastern state together.

What started out as a simple, cosmetic renovation, with very little in the way of plumbing or electrical work, has become a hellish multi-trillion dollar nightmare which threatens to destroy civilisation.

Wayne Hayes, professor of geopolitics at Dundee University, said: "The 'special-relationship' had some great times, especially that weekend in Barcelona.

"But now they see us as an aircraft carrier with shops and we see them as a bunch of swivel-eyed morons. We all need a break." 

America has drawn up a shortlist of countries it wants to spend some time with, including Australia, Argentina and even Iran for a bit of "dirty, crazy fun".

Meanwhile Britain may look to France with it's new leader and his gorgeous wife or the "unbearably cute" South Korea.

But more adventurous members of the government want Britain to spend time with Brazil, stressing that although there maybe a language problem, "at least we'll learn to dance".

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Beckham Unable To Pronounce 'Scientology'

IN his first major setback since arriving in Los Angeles, David Beckham has revealed he is unable to pronounce the word 'Scientology'.

Sources close to the LA Galaxy footballer say he has been discouraged from joining the religion of friend Tom Cruise, because it has too many syllables.

One source said: "If it was just called 'scien' or 'ogy' he'd be much more comfortable with giving them a huge amount of money.

"Tom's been working with him, but the closest they've got is 'syen-toggoly'. Maybe they should change the name to something with just the one syllable such as 'ball' or 'hair'."

The source added: "It's a shame because David has exactly the right kind of brain for Scientology. He could be the first British person to reach the level of 'Boiled Egg'."

Last week the chest of Beckham's wife Victoria became the latest celebrity recruit for the controversial movement founded by chubby salesman L Ron Hubbard.

Beckham still wants to be able to join in discussions about the religion and has employed a team of high-profile intellectuals, including George Monbiot and Noam Chomsky, to pronounce 'Scientology' for him at parties in Beverly Hills.

The source added: "David will carry an intellectual with him at all times in case the conversation moves into uncharted philosophical terrritory such as comparative religion or the tying of shoelaces."