Britain wondering what weak-willed, power-hungry Conservative Party will do now

BRITAIN is wondering what impact UKIP’s electoral success could possibly have on the Conservative Party.

As Nigel Farage’s xenophobic, anti-feminist, anti-gay marriage movement unseated dozens of Tory councillors, experts believe the Conservatives’ response will be anyone’s guess.

Political consultant Julian Cook said: “Will David Cameron lurch to the right in a craven attempt to win over a band of angry dimwits?

“Or will he adopt a series of populist, right-wing positions in the hope they will appeal to millions of belligerent cretins?

“Perhaps he will do neither and simply ramp up the xenophobic, anti-liberal rhetoric in a bid to attract patriotic simpletons and traditional British nincompoops.

“I’m certainly not putting any money on it, and I’m quite the expert.”

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BBC to launch Swearing Channel

THE BBC is to launch an experimental swearing channel to test whether anyone really gives a toss if the word ‘fuck’ is heard on daytime TV.

The new channel, to be based in Glasgow, will feature programmes including Shit Off In The Toss Attic and Bollocks Under The Fucking Hammer Wank.

BBC Director of Programming Nathan Muir said: “It’s just some fucking words. Who gives a shit? Is our entire fucking policy on swearing based on the offended sensibilities of half a dozen elderly cockheads with fuck all better to do?

“Shit, piss, fuck; it’s what all of us do, all of the time. What’s the fucking problem? Do these people fart rainbows and copulate by post?”

The channel will also feature an alternative version of the One Show, broadcast immediately after the BBC1 version, with the same presenters and guests, but with a tremendous amount of swearing.

Muir added: “If it doesn’t work, fuck it. But if no bastard complains then maybe at last we can call ourselves a civilised fucking country.”