Voters do walk of shame

BRITISH voters have woken up this morning mortified about what they got up to at yesterday’s elections.

At polling stations across the country millions threw caution to the wind to indulge in their base desires in the privacy of a voting booth.

Voter Wayne Hayes said: “UKIP’s been courting me for months, flattering me about how kissably British I am and the great job they’d give me and the next thing I know I’m filling all three of their boxes. I feel so dirty.

“He’s in the kitchen now, farting and shouting abuse at Radio 4. I’ll slip out the bathroom window before he comes back upstairs and starts whispering to me about gypsies again.

“I just hope my Polish wife Weronika can’t smell the fags and Theakston’s Bitter on me when I get home.”

Polling station volunteer Margaret Hollis said: “You could hear people whooping in the booths as they did terrible things to their ballot papers.

“One man came out, leered at me and said I wouldn’t believe what he’d just done to my country. This is a church hall, the filthy beggar.”

Others used the election to mend broken relationships, with many left-wingers ending disastrous flings with the Liberal Democrats to go back to old flames.

Labour supporter Nikki Hollis said: “I should never have left my boring, vaguely dishonest party for such a set of spineless creeps.

“Though I don’t half fancy the Greens. They can renationalise my railways anytime.”

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Official World Cup anthem makes no reference to football or World Cup

WORLD Cup anthem singers Pitbull and Jennifer Lopez do not know what football is, it has been claimed.

We Are One (Ola Ole) makes no apparent reference to football or its quadrennial showpiece event, opting instead to focus mainly on flags.

A record label source said: “Pitbull failed to grasp even the most basic diagrams showing the principles of football. But he gets flags, and scantily clad women.”

“While filming the video, Pitbull and Jennifer freaked out when a game of football was staged around them. Both curled into a fetal position to protect their clothing.

“Pitbull kept enquiring in a plaintive tone where his bitches were at.”

The song features on the World Cup album One Love: One Rhythm which includes four songs about the offside rule and a world music adaptation of Fog On The Tyne.