BRITISH voters have woken up this morning mortified about what they got up to at yesterday’s elections.
At polling stations across the country millions threw caution to the wind to indulge in their base desires in the privacy of a voting booth.
Voter Wayne Hayes said: UKIPs been courting me for months, flattering me about how kissably British I am and the great job theyd give me and the next thing I know I’m filling all three of their boxes. I feel so dirty.
He’s in the kitchen now, farting and shouting abuse at Radio 4. Ill slip out the bathroom window before he comes back upstairs and starts whispering to me about gypsies again.
I just hope my Polish wife Weronika can’t smell the fags and Theakston’s Bitter on me when I get home.
Polling station volunteer Margaret Hollis said: You could hear people whooping in the booths as they did terrible things to their ballot papers.
One man came out, leered at me and said I wouldn’t believe what he’d just done to my country. This is a church hall, the filthy beggar.
Others used the election to mend broken relationships, with many left-wingers ending disastrous flings with the Liberal Democrats to go back to old flames.
Labour supporter Nikki Hollis said: I should never have left my boring, vaguely dishonest party for such a set of spineless creeps.
Though I dont half fancy the Greens. They can renationalise my railways anytime.