‘Socialist’ now an insult

RIGHT-WING people are making the term ‘socialist’ into a scathing insult, it has emerged.

The word is now rarely used outside political history textbooks, except by irate people unaware it makes them sound like the type of Americans who think Barack Obama is from space.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “There aren’t any socialists in Britain now apart from the nerds in the Socialist Workers Party, and they’re only doing it to shag rebellious posh girls.

“Belief in the collective ownership of property and industry hasn’t been in vogue since the 1950s. So if you think the Labour party is socialist, your perception of reality must be so strange every day is like Alice in Wonderland.

“The word ‘socialism’ also appears to have different meanings for different right-wingers, ranging from Stalin-style communism to forcing everyone to be gay.

“Some even think socialism is the same as National Socialism, which is wrong because Ed Miliband can only dream of the day he’s as charismatic as Hitler.”

Professor Brubaker said right-wingers were probably trying to find a British equivalent of ‘liberal’, which is used in America to criticise everyone from Jane Fonda to people who refuse to believe there were dinosaurs on Noah’s Ark.

He added: “The easiest thing would be to make up a new pejorative term for anyone with vaguely leftist views, for example ‘rusbridger’.

“So in context one might say: ‘You rusbridgers in your ivory towers don’t care that every indigenous Briton is being sacked and replaced with a Romanian sex criminal.’”

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The most powerful wedgie ever performed

Dear Holly,

The most important qualities for a leader are a belief in organic farming, a disdain for modern architecture and a talent for watercolour landscapes. Unfortunately I’ve been caught slagging off  Vladimir Putin as a man with none of these attributes and even compared him unfavourably to Hitler, who at least did the watercolours. Now he’s coming to get me. I’m scared.

Prince Charles

Dear Charles,

There’s nothing worse than knowing the biggest bully in school is gunning for you and has told everyone that when he finds you he will cut you clean in half with the most powerful wedgie ever performed on a human being. You are forced to change your hairstyle, wear dark glasses and avoid the playground at all costs. The worst part about it all is living in a constant state of high alert, never too sure when the fateful blow will fall. Best thing to do is face the situation head on rather than spend the rest of the school year hiding in the PE cupboard at playtime. Stand tall, don’t let the bully intimidate you and, most importantly of all: go commando.

Hope that helps!