Brown Asks For Five More Years Of Ed Balls

GORDON Brown kicked-off the general election campaign today by seriously expecting Britain to take another five years of Ed Balls and his ghastly, unbearable face.

The prime minister ended months of speculation by confirming May 6 as polling day and then tried to tell us that we should keep paying that little bastard's wages instead of simply pushing him under a horse.

Pundits say the election contest will be the closest and most hard fought since 1992, unless the Tories abandon their existing strategy and just put up thousands of posters everywhere saying 'Ed Balls'.

Following a cabinet meeting this morning Mr Brown donned his Spiderman costume and made the short trip to Buckingham Palace where he asked the Queen to dissolve Dr Octopus. Once Mr Brown left, the cabinet secretary saw the Queen and ask her to dissolve Parliament.

Mr Brown then gave a speech on the steps of Downing Street where he removed his Spiderman mask to the pretend gasps of his cabinet colleagues.

The Labour leader announced that he has been Spiderman all along and that Britain must now choose between a man who can scale a glass building without using unwieldy suction cups, or a man with eight mechanical arms who will take money out of the economy by letting people keep it to spend on stuff they like.

Conservative leader David Cameron launched his campaign with a jaw-droppingly insincere speech about hope before giving a Life on Mars box set to a young married couple from the Midlands.

A spokesman said: "This election is about reaching out to everyone in Britain, asking them what box set they would like and then buying it for them."

And the Lib Dems launched their campaign in Watford where Nick Clegg and Vince Cable entered into a civil partnership before walking into a local guesthouse and demanding a room where they could indulge in a passionate, open-mouthed kiss.

A spokesman added: "Vince is very popular among angry gay men and people who don't know the first thing about economics. And Nick really likes him too."

Guardian editor, Peter Mandelson, said: "Gordon Brown is granite, David Cameron is plastic, Wayne Rooney is a sort of aluminium composite, Cheryl Cole is a dense, wholemeal bun, Nick Clegg is a wax version of a Pierce Brosnan impersonator and I'm a mixture of creme fraiche and battery acid in an innocent-looking mayonnaise jar."

Meanwhile voters across Britain have been setting out their plans to make politicians regret being the sort of people who are so inadequate that they had no choice but to go into politics.

Tom Logan, an architect from Finsbury Park, said: "I'm going to buy a small air horn and if one of them approaches me I will just stare at him blankly and fire off a series of sustained blasts until he moves along."

Nathan Muir, a sandwich shop manager from Stevenage, said: "I'm going to pretend to be a pro-life, homosexual racist, who enjoys Ken Loach films and hare coursing – just to see if I can give one of them a massive brain hemorrhage ."

Bill McKay, a house husband from Doncaster, said: "I'm going to agree enthusiastically with everything they say but then tell them I'm not going to vote for them because I think they are the ugliest human being I have ever seen in my life."

Helen Archer, a sales manager from York, added: "I'm going to tell them that I will happily vote for them, but only if they strip down to their undies, lie on the ground and let me defecate into their mouth.

"I'm pretty sure the Lib Dem will offer to do it anyway."

 

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Vatican 'Really Didn't Know About The Holocaust'

THE Vatican really did have no knowledge of the Nazi's systematic extermination of Jews during World War II, it was claimed last night.

As Father Raniero Cantalamessa, Pope Benedict's personal preacher, compared criticism of the Pontiff to anti-semitic violence, experts said the Vatican's long-standing claims of ignorance over the holocaust may not be such an obvious lie after all.

Historian Tom Logan, said: "Maybe they think the Nazis just criticised the Jews very, very harshly to the point where some of them fainted and bumped their heads.

"Or perhaps they were so distracted by the personal nature of the Nazi's verbal attacks that they forgot to put their slippers on and banged their toe on the leg of a coffee table.

"Then again that can hurt quite a lot, so I'm still not sure it's a valid comparison."

Logan added: "It's odd that the Pope would be so fuzzy about anti-semitism, because I'm pretty sure that as a member of the Hitler Youth he would have had to earn some sort of badge for doing it really, really well."

Nathan Muir, professor of European History at Reading University, said: "When someone compares something to anti-semitic violence you always expect them to finish the sentence with, 'except for the death factories and the six million murders of course'.

"But in this instance, either he's dropped the piece of paper that said that, or the Vatican really doesn't know about the holocaust.

"Or he's a shit."