PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it
emerged last night.
Guardian editor Peter Mandelson admitted Mr Brown was now a tired old workhorse who should be despatched humanely with a bolt to the temple before being boiled in a large vat full of acid.
He said: “Britain, in its enduring wisdom, has rejected this faithful old servant with his faltering knees and increasingly windy guts.
“Their heads have instead been turned by two shimmering stallions, their haunches rippling, their forelocks tossing and who, at any moment, could rise up on those powerful and magnificent hind legs and take what is rightfully theirs.”
Catching his breath, he added: “If I know Gordon Brown he will want to continue to serve Britain in some capacity and what better way to do that, in this age of envelopes and broken tea cups, than as a batch of medium-strength adhesive?
“And, who knows, later this year you may even find yourself licking what remains of Gordon Brown on the back of a special stamp commemorating his wildly successful two years and 11 months in Downing Street.
“But for the time being I have asked Ed Miliband and Andy Burnham to take turns stroking the prime minister’s neck and feeding him carrots until the big truck gets here.”
Meanwhile Lib Dem sensation Nick Clegg has insisted it would be ‘preposterous’ if the next prime minister came from the party which comes third but has the largest number seats, stressing it should obviously be the party which comes second and has the smallest number of seats.