Brown To Be Turned Into Glue

PRIME minister Gordon Brown is to be turned into glue, it
emerged last night.

Guardian editor Peter Mandelson admitted Mr Brown was now a tired old workhorse who should be despatched humanely with a bolt to the temple before being boiled in a large vat full of acid.

He said: “Britain, in its enduring wisdom, has rejected this faithful old servant with his faltering knees and increasingly windy guts.

“Their heads have instead been turned by two shimmering stallions, their haunches rippling, their forelocks tossing and who, at any moment, could rise up on those powerful and magnificent hind legs and take what is rightfully theirs.”

Catching his breath, he added: “If I know Gordon Brown he will want to continue to serve Britain in some capacity and what better way to do that, in this age of envelopes and broken tea cups, than as a batch of medium-strength adhesive?

“And, who knows, later this year you may even find yourself licking what remains of Gordon Brown on the back of a special stamp commemorating his wildly successful two years and 11 months in Downing Street.

“But for the time being I have asked Ed Miliband and Andy Burnham to take turns stroking the prime minister’s neck and feeding him carrots until the big truck gets here.”

Meanwhile Lib Dem sensation Nick Clegg has insisted it would be ‘preposterous’ if the next prime minister came from the party which comes third but has the largest number seats, stressing it should obviously be the party which comes second and has the smallest number of seats.

 

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Bollocks To This, Say Goalkeepers

PREMIERSHIP goalkeepers have decided to fuck that for a game of soldiers after a spate of semi-fatal injuries over the weekend.

Manchester City’s Shay Given dislocated his brain, Stoke’s Thomas Sorensen had his elbows shot off and 10 other keepers were returned to their families in 14 bin bags and a bucket.

The league’s surviving keepers have now told their managers they would rather let John Terry give their wives a sponge bath than spend another minute diving at the feet of some 15 stone psychopath for the sake of a so-called ‘goal’.

Roy Hobbs, head of the Institute of British Goalkeepers, said: “For too long we have been used as a meat-flavoured crash barrier to compensate for the likes of Titus Bramble when he accidentally loses possession while trying to swallow his own shorts.

“I very much doubt that even Robocop would stand there like a nonce watching a 60 mile-an-hour football boot rendezvous with his clackers.”

Sports physio Wayne Hayes said: “I worked with Steve Ogrizovic at the beginning of his career. He was a lovely, fresh-faced lad who reminded me of a young Paul Newman. Unfortunately by the end of September he looked like a Picasso sketch of Gerard Depardieu.

“But that’s the nature of the job. If you don’t believe me, name three handsome, successful goalkeepers. That’s okay, I can wait.”

Premiership managers have responded to the crisis by promoting eager but terrified youth players who have got their affairs in order and picked out a headstone.

Meanwhile Liverpool’s Rafael Benitez has tried a different approach by installing a goblin-powered force field he invented with the assistance of Professor Kinky, his invisible twin.