Brown To Gamble On You Being Retarded

GORDON Brown will today gamble on you buying things you don't need because they are slightly cheaper, and then believing that rich people are going to pay for it all.

The government is expected to cut the price of novelty smoothie makers from £24.99 to £24.36 while at the same time increasing income tax for the hoity-toity chairman of the company that produces novelty smoothie makers.

In his pre-Budget report, chancellor Alistair Darling will tell the Commons that all you really care about is shopping and telly and that rich people will be still be able to buy their fancy top hats and opera tickets no matter how much tax they have to pay.

He will also claim that raising income tax for Little Lord Fauntleroy and his school chums will plug the £120bn gap in public finances because when he gets the extra £50 notes from all the rich people he can turn them into £5000 notes using a felt-tip pen.

A Treasury spokesman insisted: "If he adds an extra two zeroes and then signs it, it becomes legal tender. It totally does."

A Labour source said: "This is a defining moment for Gordon Brown. This is the moment he reveals not only how stupid he thinks you are but the pure, unbridled contempt in which he holds you.

"If we're right and you are an unbelievable moron then we should go for a general election as soon as possible in case you suddenly decide to read a book or something."

The source added: "The key thing now is to convince you that none of this was our fault and it was all those rich bastards with their fancy china and their plus fours.

"'I say Jeeves, my Daily Telegraph has not been ironed and this smoked salmon has gone orff'. That's totally what they're like, isn't it?"