Brown Woos Voters With Incredibly Boring Idea

PRIME minister Gordon Brown has made a bold move to recapture the political agenda with a series of mind-numbingly tedious initiatives.

Mr Brown outlined a far-reaching programme of constitutional reform designed to engage voters and reinvigorate the democratic process, or something along those lines.

The prime minister said: "People across the country have been telling me that their top priority is to be allowed to choose bishops. It is time to act."

Last night Labour Party activists were desperate to get on to the doorsteps and promote the reforms, while the Downing Street website was inundated with congratulations from ordinary voters.

Roy Hobbs, an 45 year-old actuary from Swindon said: "I honestly couldn't give a tupenny shit about my children's awful school or the latest hospital bug to strike my elderly parents.

"I am however thrilled at the prospect of a radical restructuring of the House of Commons committee system.

"And when I realised just how far reaching those House of Lords reforms were going to be, I wanted to walk up to Downing Street and empty my wallet on the doorstep."

Jane Frenton, a 36 year-old business development manager from Leeds, said: "His promise to restore parliamentary authority made me suddenly realise what an attractive man this is.

"And every time he talks about the remit of Lord Chancellor's Department I start to feel all hot and dirty."

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Paris Hilton Shows Vagina To Firemen

CELEBRITY heiress Paris Hilton is to display her shaved vagina in a heartfelt 'thank-you' to California's brave firefighters.

For the next 48 hours Miss Hilton will tour the state, positioning herself in a lifeguard's chair as dozens of weary firemen queue up to get a glimpse of her community-spirited quim.

Kyle Brandon, a 28 year-old fireman based in Pasadena, said: "A job well done is reward enough for us, but it's awesome when a big star like Miss Hilton comes down here and shows off her glory hole."

The Simple Life superstar said: "When I got out of prison I promised that I would use my snatch to help people.

"I can think of no worthier candidates for a vagina showcase than our brave fireguys."

She added: "This disaster has affected famous people from so many different backgrounds.

"I pray that a brief glimpse of my cockbox will give these men the strength they need to save us from the hot orange things."

Meanwhile celebrity magazines are clamouring for gossip on who is fleeing the inferno with heartbroken Friends sweetheart Jennifer Aniston.

According to Shit magazine Brad Pitt called Jen to make sure she was safe but hung up when the phone was answered by Luke Wilson doing a Vince Vaughan impersonation.