Budget 2021: Are you a winner, a loser or just a twat in general?

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend? Find out: 

Should we be extending furlough until September?

If we’re to avoid spiralling into recession, what choice do we have? It’s that or risk a fourth wave of infection. If, however, your first thought is ‘Lazy scum getting another six months of daytime wanking on my taxes’ you are likely to be some kind of arsehole.

Will my shopping cost more?

There are expected to be price rises on basic items like pasta, which will mean households paying more for food. If you think a price rise for pasta is well deserved because Italians are cowards with four reverse gears on their WW2 tanks you are, sadly, a hopeless dick.

What about corporation tax? 

Corporate tax law is so boring it would make a stone weep blood, but it’s suddenly become fascinating if you’re a right-wing f**khead. Companies must not have to pay more tax because you adore the rich and secretly believe yourself to be one of them, yes?

How about beer, wine and cigarettes? 

The usual bellwether of budgets. If you give a shit about 2p more on a pint of Strongbow you must be drinking an incredible amount on very slim margins. Either drink less or get a f**king life, you twat.

Surely they can’t raise duty on f**king petrol? 

No individual member of the public has ever totted up their petrol consumption and decided: ‘I’m £14.65 out of pocket this quarter’. It’s a metric obsessively studied by wankers convinced that the government is taking away from their masculinity by forcing them to drive more economical cars.

Could there be a parcel tax? 

Brits now live on Amazon deliveries so this could easily get out of hand. As parliament is burning and Rishi Sunak’s severed head is being carried on a pike throughout cities, the issue of your twatdom may be moot.

The Mail on Sunday's sarcastic apology to Meghan Markle

THE Duchess of Sussex has demanded a front page apology from the Mail on Sunday after winning her court case against them. Here’s how they’ll do it: 

TWO years ago, we printed excerpts from a private letter between the Duchess of Sussex and her estranged father, a kind, caring man who is the real victim in all of this.

The excerpts were printed in good faith. We had no idea that Ms Markle felt she had something to hide, was desperate to stop the public seeing her true colours, and would go running to the courts like criminals do. And for that we are deeply sorry.

We sincerely apologise to Ms Markle for her errroneous perception that this newspaper did something wrong, and regret that she is such a fragile millennial snowflake that what can only be classified under British law as ‘banter’ was taken so badly.

That this apology has been delivered while her husband’s grandfather is in hospital is also deeply regrettable, and will likely upset Her Majesty at such a difficult time. Again, we are sorry. We did not want to apologise and made every effort not to do so.

We must also apologise to Kate, the Duchess of Cambridge and the true Queen of the People’s Hearts, for the suffering caused by having such an ungrateful, selfish fake of a sister-in-law. As always, Kate remains ravishing, a marvellous contrast and would never sue us.

Please forgive us for our clumsy attempt to save Britain’s great Royal family from being destroyed by an American interloper who has hypnotised our poor Prince. We only felt our readers, who have never forgotten that slattern Wallis Simpson, deserved it.

Finally, we very much regret that Meghan wears murder jewellery, permanently traumatised Palace staff by shouting at them, turned Frogmore Cottage into a sex tavern, and drove a white Fiat Uno through Paris on the evening of August 31st, 1997.

We really are so, so, sorry.