Monday, 19th April 2021

Budget 2021: Are you a winner, a loser or just a twat in general?

ARE you concerned about how today’s budget will affect you, but also worried that makes you a petty, penny-pinching bellend? Find out: 

Should we be extending furlough until September?

If we’re to avoid spiralling into recession, what choice do we have? It’s that or risk a fourth wave of infection. If, however, your first thought is ‘Lazy scum getting another six months of daytime wanking on my taxes’ you are likely to be some kind of arsehole.

Will my shopping cost more?

There are expected to be price rises on basic items like pasta, which will mean households paying more for food. If you think a price rise for pasta is well deserved because Italians are cowards with four reverse gears on their WW2 tanks you are, sadly, a hopeless dick.

What about corporation tax? 

Corporate tax law is so boring it would make a stone weep blood, but it’s suddenly become fascinating if you’re a right-wing f**khead. Companies must not have to pay more tax because you adore the rich and secretly believe yourself to be one of them, yes?

How about beer, wine and cigarettes? 

The usual bellwether of budgets. If you give a shit about 2p more on a pint of Strongbow you must be drinking an incredible amount on very slim margins. Either drink less or get a f**king life, you twat.

Surely they can’t raise duty on f**king petrol? 

No individual member of the public has ever totted up their petrol consumption and decided: ‘I’m £14.65 out of pocket this quarter’. It’s a metric obsessively studied by wankers convinced that the government is taking away from their masculinity by forcing them to drive more economical cars.

Could there be a parcel tax? 

Brits now live on Amazon deliveries so this could easily get out of hand. As parliament is burning and Rishi Sunak’s severed head is being carried on a pike throughout cities, the issue of your twatdom may be moot.