How to survive your elderly parents getting a new phone

ARE you kindly helping your ageing parents get ‘one of these Smart Phones’? Here’s how to keep your blood pressure at safe levels: 

Practise having the patience of a saint

You cannot respond with sarcasm or anger to questions like ‘Is it safe to leave it turned on overnight?’ or ‘What if it turns off the neighbours’ wifi?’ Develop the necessary mental strength to by getting a friend to ask you inane questions for several hours a day, eg. ‘What’s the biggest piece of cheese?’

Prepare for an obsession with ‘big buttons’

The old are instantly drawn to any phone with ‘big buttons’, even if they can see perfectly well and the phone is a piece of crap. This will become an obsession, so prepare for weeks of challenging discussion similar to deprogramming fanatical cult members.

Do not assume any basic level of knowledge

Mobile phones are powered by magic pixie dust and never need to be charged, right? And if they get free texts, why do they have to pay for the phone? But it emits radiation, so should it be in a lead box? These and many other issues mean you should take a double Scotch on the hour every hour until the phone is bought.

Expect numerous nonsensical calls

Your parents will repeatedly call you by mistake, so all you can hear is Countryfile or biscuits being eaten. Also expect enigmatic, Rosetta Stone-style texts, such as ‘<<111<//@’.

Take care of your health

If you develop a powerful pounding sensation in your head, lie down in a darkened room and take a break from conversations like ‘We don’t want the internet on it, we should have got one with a camera like Auntie Susan’ or ‘Will Sony let us phone places in Britain, or just Japan?’

Prepare for all your good work to be in vain

Once set up with a mobile phone, your parents will do something strange like keeping it in a drawer by the landline, never taking it anywhere with them and turning it off after every call. They will then write down incoming numbers on a piece of paper and ring back on the landline a week later.

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Why it's fine for me to borrow shitloads of cash but not you, by Rishi Sunak

HI, BOY billionaire Rishi Sunak here, ready to accept praise for borrowing tens of billions with no clear plan to pay it back. But don’t you dare do the same. Here’s why: 

I’m loaded

Banks hate to lend money to people who need it, but see me as a safe investment because I’ve got so much personal wealth that I dive into it like Scrooge McDuck. I could bail the country out with my spare change if I wanted to. But then how would you ever learn to budget responsibly?

I’ve got a proven track record

Throughout this crisis I’ve been holding the purse strings, and I think the results speak for themselves. First I abandoned self-employed people to fend for themselves like the beasts they are, then I gave you all half-price Five Guys while we were trying to stamp out obesity. You couldn’t ask for a safer pair of hands.

I can magic cash out of thin air

One of the perks of my job is that I can create money simply by pressing some buttons while drinking coffee from a mug that’s worth more than you. This is very appealing to investors, whereas you have to work years to earn money and that’s boring.

I’m handsome

Even if I was ever irresponsible with money, I’d get away with it because I’m just so damn dashing. All I’d have to do is flash my dazzling smile and I’d get off without so much as a slap on the wrist. Meanwhile your below-average looks are a real drain on the nation’s coffers and discourage oligarch investment.

I wanted to be a Jedi

Few things reassure financial regulators quite as much as hearing that you wanted to be a fictional space wizard when you grew up. Having seen and enjoyed the most popular film of a generation really makes them feel that you’re an ordinary, grounded guy just like them. Also, I then drop in once again that I’m incredibly rich.