Call Us 'Deplorable', Union Orders Brown

BRITAIN'S biggest trade union today ordered Gordon Brown to describe it as 'deplorable'.

As Unite stepped up its plans for a British Airways strike that will ground dozens of flights and potentially cripple the company, the union told the prime minister to be absolutely appalled by its actions.

Downing Street sources confirmed Mr Brown had telephoned Unite general secretary Tony Woodley on Sunday to ask for instructions and money and that Mr Woodley had set out his plans for the prime minister to look very angry and use the word 'unjustified'.

A senior source said: "Mr Woodley ordered the prime minister to come across as being really genuine and say that a strike was not in the national interest and call on both sides to return to the negotiating table.

"When he had been given permission to speak, the prime minster said that if they worked it just right they could make it look as if he had stood up to the unions, averted the strike and saved everyone's Easter holidays.

"Mr Woodley then said that if Mr Brown wanted to pretend that it was his idea then fair enough, but that they both know who the bitch is in this relationship."

Industrial relations consultant Nathan Muir said: "The union sees it as a win-win. If the strike goes ahead then Unite gets to fulfill its lifelong ambition of destroying Margaret Thatcher's favourite airline.

"If the strike is called off then Brown gets the credit, it improves Labour's election chances and they all continue with their plan to turn Britain into a slightly bleaker and less charming version of North Korea."

Meanwhile Mr Brown has insisted that if Labour loses the general election he intends to build a replica of Number 10 in the back garden of his constituency home and indulge in a series of poisonous, damaging feuds with a selection of local cats.


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US Equity Group Makes £119m Bid For Benitez's Brain

LIVERPOOL are in talks with a private equity firm over a multimillion bid for the contents of Rafael Benitez’s imagination.

The Rhone Group is hoping to use the various phantasms of the Spaniard’s mind to develop a theme park, a range of collectible toys and an industrial strength anti-psychotic drug treatment.

A company spokesman said: “Benitez is one of the most exciting psyches in English football, better even than Alex Ferguson’s quantum view of what actually happens in real life and Phil Brown’s belief that he is living in a 1970s comedy sex romp.”

The group plan to install Benitez in their head office’s ‘creative solutions’ department, where he will fire off insane conjecture that might hopefully be turned into unpredictable business opportunities.

The spokesman added: “We’ve already asked him about re-investing in existing mid-term South American securities and his solution was to rub the bits of paper with pomegranate seeds until they go all pink.

“He is a genius, once you work out what he’s actually trying to say and avoid looking directly into his eyes, which seem to be bottomless swirls of howling madness.”

Liverpool’s assistant manager, Sammy Lee, said: “It will be a relief for everyone working here as we can finally take down the cloths that have been covering all the mirrors.

“Rafa is convinced the place is haunted by chubby, hispanic looking men with dark beards and sad expressions. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve tried explaining it to him.”

Meanwhile Lord of the Rings director Peter Jackson has confirmed his plans to produce a fantasy film trilogy based on Benitez’s reasons for signing Alberto Aquilani.