Camera crew in Brexit heartland puts up 'Nutters Only' sign

A NEWS team visiting the Brexit heartland of Stoke-on-Trent is sick of interviewing people with reasonable, well-thought-out views. 

The presenter and camera crew have done 12 on-the-spot pieces already, all of which are unusable because of the moderate opinions and sensible positions of their interviewees.

Director Martin Bishop said: “I didn’t come all the way to the fucking Potteries to speak to some twat who ‘thinks on balance we should stay in the EU’. I could have got that at home.

“This is worse than fucking Sunderland. Every other person we stopped there was ‘having second thoughts’ or ‘we weren’t given all the facts’.

“We’ve put up a cartoon racist dog expressing some normal opinions for this area – ‘Kick Them All Out’, ‘Bring Back National Service’. ‘I Heart Hanging’ – and next to him it says ‘If Your Views Aren’t As Right-Wing As Mine You Can’t Come In.’

“That should get us some Brexity lunatics spewing their bile for the cameras, and once that’s in the can we’ll knock off early and head back to civilisation.

“After all, we have a duty as journalists to represent the full range of views. Get that pensioner in here. He looks proper mental.”

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Jeremy Kyle Show to switch to posh people

JEREMY Kyle has confirmed his ITV daytime show will now focus on severely dysfunctional families from Britain’s aristocracy. 

The presenter plans to dodge criticism by refocusing his daytime show on people who have horrendously messy relationships, treat their children abominably and own properties worth tens of millions of pounds.

He said: “Have you ever spoken to a posh person about their life? Exactly like all my old guests, except against a background of gilded opulence.

“They marry people they hate, they have affairs with other people they hate, they send their children off to be raised by sadistic maniacs, and their drug use is simply astonishing.

“I’d always worried that the fucked-up posh were too unrelatable for a mass audience, but after the rapturous reaction to Fleabag I think I’ll be fine.”

Lady Caroline Wolmsley-Etherington, who appears on Kyle’s show next Monday, said: “My caption is going to be ‘Sleeping with father-in-law to get her hands on his grouse estate’.

“I’m so excited. It’s going to be tremendous fun.”