Couple planning holiday together wondering if it's easier to just break up now

A COUPLE who are planning a holiday together are considering saving themselves time, money and loathing by splitting up instead. 

Jo Kramer and Tom Booker are currently looking at flights, accommodation, excursions, a screaming drunken row by the hotel pool and ending their relationship the moment they get home, but are wondering if they should skip the middle bit.

Jo said: “Speaking from bitter experience, before we’ve even left the house Tom will be angry I’ve booked the taxi too late and I’ll be angry sitting in Heathrow for 7 hours because he’s OCD about airports.

“From then on it will be a sniping, bickering nightmare of sunburn, food poisoning and hangovers all made worse by the hot sun and crystal blue water, rather than better.

“So, rather than a 3am row about him staring at other girls’ tits which wakes up everyone in our complex, we’re thinking we break up now and save the money.

“Either that, or buy something that will genuinely allow us to relax and recharge together, like a 75-inch telly.

“Actually, that sounds blissful.”

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New character on The Archers sounds suspiciously like Nigel Farage

RADIO 4 listeners have complained that a new character on long-running soap The Archers sounds a lot like Brexit Party leader Nigel Farage. 

Hamish Agrafe, an agricultural tools salesman who has just moved to Ambridge, spends very little time working and an excessive amount of time complaining to other characters about European elites stifling British vision, listeners have complained.

Fan Susan Traherne said: “First he embarked on a rant about how the unignorable economic benefits of leaving the EU without a deal when Pip Archer was just trying to settle the baby.

“Then he turned up in the Bull buying pints and lecturing the regulars about sticking up for the common man, even though he was clearly landed gentry.

“He spoke entirely in platitudes and outright lies which made him a pretty unbelievable character even for Borsetshire. Then I recognised his empty rhetoric from Question Time and realised it was bloody Farage.

“Apparently he’s being written out straight after the European elections, in a hastily-assembled plot where Jazzer kills him in a drug deal gone wrong and feeds him to the Bridge Farm pigs. Typical Archers.”

A BBC spokesman said: “It won’t happen again. Now have you met Radio 1’s latest star, DJ NoDeal?”