DAVID Cameron has admitted he will not serve as prime minister for a full five decades.
Cameron said that while he was at Eton he dreamed of being prime minister for 50 years, which would give him ‘just enough time’ to transform Britain into a horribly competitive place full of chain restaurants and foreign billionaires.
But in a BBC interview he said: “Prime ministerial terms are like kicking someone in the groin as hard as you possibly can.
“Doing it twice is incredibly enjoyable, but doing it 10 times can cause you to pull a muscle in your leg.”
Meanwhile, the main rivals for the Tory leadership said this was all very sudden and they would now be forced to begin plotting relentlessly.
Boris Johnson said: “I’ll have to continually upstage two politicians who are nowhere near as popular as I am. If you’ll excuse me, I have to abseil down the Shard in a suit of armour.”
George Osborne said: “If only I’d known, I’d have encouraged loads of articles about how I single-handedly steered the economy back to growth. And I would have got a fancy hair style.”
Theresa May added: “I’ll now have to do the no-nonsense don’t-I-remind-you-of-Thatcher persona I’ve been trying so desperately to avoid. Shut up when I’m talking, you filthy little turd.”
Voter Julian Cook, from Stevenage, said: “Looking at the opinion polls, in five years’ time the prime minister will probably be Martin McGuinness.”