You only have to whore yourself creatively, says Cheryl

CHERYL from Girls Aloud has told young female singers they will need to prostitute themselves creatively but not physically.

The mean-eyed star said: “It’s really sad to see young women in the music business trying to get attention by flashing their tits and fannies.

“The really vital whoring takes place at the artistic level, where you must agree to sing or mime any load of shite.

“When I heard some of our songs for the first time I thought they were bland, over-produced crud with no redeeming qualities at all.

“But instead of having a benny I was a strong woman and wanked it out for the cash.

“I got my arse out a bit as well, but not too much.”

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Prince Harry called up to join The Fall

PRINCE Harry has been called up to play bass in The Fall.

The prince will undergo an intensive training regime to bring him up to speed with the band’s new material, before undertaking two tours of the north-west this summer.

Prince Harry said: “Being in The Fall is something most young British men have to go through at some point in their lives. Why should I be any different?

“The experience will give me a unique chance to learn about hard graft and discipline, as well as occult horror and existential philosophy.

“I hope to do my country – and Mark E Smith – proud, and pay fitting tribute to all the heroic men and women who have served in The Fall before me.”

Fall keyboardist Elena Poulou said: “He may be fourth in line to the throne, but he’ll be expected to muck in like the rest of us, and allow Mark to fuck with his bass amp during gigs.”

“If he knuckles down, he could find himself promoted to guitarist, second drummer or even the highest rank a Fall member can achieve – someone who gets booted out and then has a song written about them, slagging them off.”

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