Fishermen only do it because they hate fish

FISHING is not a sport but an attempt to eradicate fish from the world, fishermen have confirmed.

The nation’s fishermen spoke out to dispel misconceptions that this is some kind of game to them.

Norman Steele of Kendal said: “Do people really imagine that we sit in the freezing cold with only a box of writhing maggots for company as some kind of challenge to ourselves?

“What you see is not a man calmly enjoying nature but the stillness of cold, implacable hatred.

“We loathe fish, from their slippery tails to their protruding eyes, and we will not rest until they are cleansed from Britain’s waterways.

“I could catch them in a net. Instead I pierce their lips with a steel hook and drag them, inch by struggling inch, out of their living environment and take a selfie as they’re in their death throes.

“Some fishermen throw them back, yes, but only to give them the pain of false hope before pulling them out again.

“Cruel, but these are fish. There is no limit to the suffering they deserve.”

Vegetarians who eat fish have also confirmed that it has nothing to do with that central nervous system business, they just love helping to exterminate the abominations of the deep.

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Russia trying to dominate Top Trumps

RUSSIA’S new supersonic bomber is part of its bid to have all the best Top Trumps cards, according to experts.

Analysts fear that Vladimir Putin’s new Blackjack bomber, with impressive statistics including a range of 7,600 miles, will be unbeatable in the ‘Warplanes’ edition of Top Trumps.

Card games analyst Stephen Malley said: “The Blackjack has a bigger wingspan, length and payload than other bombers. Although it probably will be shit at actually flying, it’s all about the statistics on those little shiny cards.

“If it met the UK’s Typhoon in the Top Trumps arena our plane could only hope to equal it on speed, causing both cards to get put in the middle of the table.

“This is a typically Russian attempt to manipulate one of the West’s favourite family games.”

Russia is also currently developing a tank that is longer, wider and heavier than any existing tank, and a new movie monster called Supermegamegadon that is bigger and has 16 per cent more ‘killing power’ than anything out of Godzilla.