Richard III a great guy apart from killing those kids

BRITAIN has been celebrating the life of Richard III, who was misunderstood although he did probably murder two kids.

Cheering crowds lined the streets to catch a glimpse of the former king’s coffin, with supporters claiming the princes in the tower were probably pretty annoying anyway.

Historian Mary Fisher said: “If you look at paintings of Richard’s nephews who were entrusted into his care, you get the impression they were really demanding.

“I bet they were always pestering Uncle Richard to buy them ponies, and playing with his sword then not putting it back in the armoury.

“So you couldn’t really blame him if they met with a little accident. I mean, we’ve all thought about it when our kids kick off in the supermarket.”

She added: “We don’t even know he definitely killed them. Richard had no other motivation to do it except that they were his only obstacle to the throne, which he probably wasn’t that arsed about.

“Their remains were never found, so they might have just wandered off and ended up living in a forest as feral princes, kids do that sort of thing when they are aged nine and 12.”

Self-styled ‘Ricardian’ Tom Logan said: “Richard was a good, brave king and legal reformer who was maligned by the sensationalist playwright William Shakespeare.

“People who won’t cut him some slack for killing those princes are just pedants. I mean, we all have our off days.”

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Solar power skeptics enjoy two glorious hours

OPPONENTS of solar power have been having an excellent morning.

The renewable energy skeptics made the most of a once-in-a-decade opportunity to cluck and hoot in derision at solar panels between the hours of 8.30 and 10.30am.

Julian Cook said: “For the last two hours I’ve been able to harp on about how solar power was always going to end in tears.

“I’ve been burning some coal I carry around with me to generate my own power – proper old-school power.”

He added: “This whole ‘sun’ fad was always going to die out. Imagine trying to get energy from a ball of hot plasma with a mass 330,000 times that of Earth.

“It’s insane.”