Journalist would kill everyone in room for heartwarming story

A NEWSPAPER journalist has admitted she will stop at nothing, including murder, to get an uplifting human interest story.

Emma Bradford revealed she has been unable to find any triumphs against adversity, quirky quests or mayors with unorthodox second jobs for nearly 48 hours.

She said: “With all due respect to ISIS, they’re not exactly a packet of crisps that only contains one giant crisp.

“Is it too much to ask for a blind man to win an F1 race or a dog to bark a passable version of Adele’s Someone Like You?

“Right now I’d sever my own arm for a pensioner who’s hopping the length of Hadrian’s Wall for charity.

“And if I can’t find a family who celebrate Christmas every weekend soon, I’ll force one at gunpoint. I’m going viral if it’s the last thing I do.”

Bradford’s editor Tom Logan said: “When I was a young hack I didn’t sit around waiting for 62-year-old tins of Spam that were still edible to come to me.

“My story about six artificial limbs being left on the Tube in one day made my career. Nobody ever found the bodies.”


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Morrissey enjoying International Day of Happiness

MORRISSEY  is spending the day enjoying all the good things life has to offer.

The singer, accompanied by cheerful, rosy cheeked pals Leonard Cohen and Will Self, is driving around in a red convertible, drinking wine in pavement cafes and making friendly chit-chat with strangers.

He said: “It would be churlish to be miserable today, a day dedicated to happiness everywhere, so I am indulging in 24 hours of upbeat optimism.

“And of course, the thing I love about International Happiness Day is that it actually causes a huge amount of anxiety as people get terribly worried about whether or not they are happy.”

Morrissey then began crooning What The World Needs Now Is Love while chirping cartoon bluebirds settled on his outstretched arms.

Passer-by Nathan Muir said: “Christ, even Morrissey’s happy now.

“That makes me wish I was dead.”