Cameron Pledges Power To The Maniacs

TORY leader David Cameron last night pledged to transform British democracy by devolving power to the lowest possible level of maniac.

As Mr Cameron outlined plans for armed parish councils, experts said the people he hoped to attract are the same as the people who made you think seriously about moving to New Zealand last year.

The radical reforms will include greater police co-operation with amateur sleuths and a rolling programme of constant referendums giving people exactly the wrong level of control over their own lives.

Local referendums are likely to cover a wide range of issues including banning the blue stripes in stripey toothpaste, a big-budget remake of Bless This House starring Martin Clunes as Sid James and a 'final solution' to the 'Jewish Question'.

Meanwhile more people you've sort of vaguely heard of declared their intention to stand for parliament as Britain's 'Bullshit Revolution' gathered yet more sickening momentum.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We'll have that unusual man from the Telegraph making speeches about how Lord Nelson should be running the BBC, while Esther Rantzen tables early day motions demanding a fair deal for personal injury lawyers, or holding up pictures of little kiddies that made her cry.

"And then you'll have Terry Waite wandering about the place chained to one of those radiators with wheels in a pathetic attempt to remind people who he is."

Tom Logan, a deeply concerned citizen from Hatfield, said: "The absolute last thing this country needs – and I cannot stress this strongly enough – is my next door neighbour being involved in any form of decision making whatsoever. People will die."

He added: "I don't want power. I've already got a job which takes up quite a lot of my time and then it's the weekend. This is what politicians are for.

"All we really need to do is to make sure those politicians have a mind of their own, have had a proper job at some point in their lives and, you know, aren't thieves."

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Labour To Back PR For Insultingly Obvious Reasons

LABOUR is to back proportional representation in what they claim will be a major step towards rebuilding their chances of getting back into power before everyone's dead.

In a non-existent break with the party's traditional support for the system of doing anything to win power, senior figures said Britain's democracy needed comprehensive reform if future generations were to have their lives ruined by at least two different kinds of crooks and liars.

A Labour source said: "Proportional representation will help to rebuild voters' confidence in parliament because a recent study showed that MPs elected by PR don't make up rules that allow them to steal money."

He added: "What study? Fuck you, that's what study."

Meanwhile Conservative leader David Cameron has pledged to limit the powers of Number 10 and devolve more responsibility to local communities in his latest transparent attempt to divert attention from all the thieving.

Experts last night stressed that PR had been a huge success in Scotland, where two party leaders were forced to resign over expenses claims and members of the Edinburgh parliament continue to make healthy profits from houses they buy with your money.

Meanwhile public reaction to the proposed reforms was mixed, with some voters defecating into a paper bag and posting it to their MP, while others simply fainted with anger.

Bill McKay, a sales manager from Hitchin, said: "Proportional representation you say? To be honest, I don't actually know what that is. At the moment I'm much more focused on them stealing my money all the time."

Julian Cook, an engineer from Doncaster, said: "By all means dick about with the devolution of power to your heart's content, but if you could try your best not to steal from me while you're doing it, that would be excellent."

And Sister Margaret Gerving, a retired Mother Superior from Peterborough, added: "I could not give a flying monkey's fuck about any of this. Can you please – in the name of Christ – just stop stealing my fucking money?"