Cameron Pledges Power To The Maniacs

TORY leader David Cameron last night pledged to transform British democracy by devolving power to the lowest possible level of maniac.

As Mr Cameron outlined plans for armed parish councils, experts said the people he hoped to attract are the same as the people who made you think seriously about moving to New Zealand last year.

The radical reforms will include greater police co-operation with amateur sleuths and a rolling programme of constant referendums giving people exactly the wrong level of control over their own lives.

Local referendums are likely to cover a wide range of issues including banning the blue stripes in stripey toothpaste, a big-budget remake of Bless This House starring Martin Clunes as Sid James and a 'final solution' to the 'Jewish Question'.

Meanwhile more people you've sort of vaguely heard of declared their intention to stand for parliament as Britain's 'Bullshit Revolution' gathered yet more sickening momentum.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "We'll have that unusual man from the Telegraph making speeches about how Lord Nelson should be running the BBC, while Esther Rantzen tables early day motions demanding a fair deal for personal injury lawyers, or holding up pictures of little kiddies that made her cry.

"And then you'll have Terry Waite wandering about the place chained to one of those radiators with wheels in a pathetic attempt to remind people who he is."

Tom Logan, a deeply concerned citizen from Hatfield, said: "The absolute last thing this country needs – and I cannot stress this strongly enough – is my next door neighbour being involved in any form of decision making whatsoever. People will die."

He added: "I don't want power. I've already got a job which takes up quite a lot of my time and then it's the weekend. This is what politicians are for.

"All we really need to do is to make sure those politicians have a mind of their own, have had a proper job at some point in their lives and, you know, aren't thieves."

Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You are false data. Therefore I shall ignore you. The only thing that exists is myself. And steer clear of Scorpios.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Underlying passions force their way to the surface this week and then spread out before drying into a hard, brittle crust.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Now would be a good time to talk about past misunderstandings with previous partners. When you see them staring back at you from the witness box it'll probably be too late.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Love, romance, passion, new opportunities and positive career movements are all on the horizon for the person you hate the most. Suck it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Repressed memories bubble to the surface this week, revealing years of mundane childhood tedium. Yes, you are just like everyone else. Shockerooni.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Avoid anything that smells fishy, unless it's a fish finger. In which case avoid anything that smells breadcrumby.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Every star in the constellation of Taurus seems to have exploded. That can't be good.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your gap year trip around the world has certainly opened our eyes to what an insufferable, tedious prick you really are.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A wonderful weekend lies ahead, surrounded by close friends and family who all care about you very deeply and want nothing more than for you to be happy. So why do you long to kill them? 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
It's time to be a bit more open, honest and direct about your recent feelings of doubt over your abilities. Yes, you have been found out. At last.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You're on firm ground by Thursday, but by then all your family have been eaten by sharks, and their chewed up heads washed ashore on an otherwise idyillic tropical island. Yes, it really was 'the trip of a lifetime'.