Cameron spends relaxing day at home, laughing

DAVID Cameron only moved off his sofa yesterday to go to the fridge, he confirmed.

The prime minister is serving his notice by replying to the occasional email and filling his Outlook calendar with Working From Home appointments between now and October.

Cameron said; “I flicked on Sky News and apparently there was some unpleasantness yesterday which is absolutely none of my business anymore.

“What’s really lovely is that while everybody is shouting at this pack of wolverines wreaking havoc in a nursing home, they seem to have forgotten it was me that unleashed them in the first place.

“I might spend today in a Wetherspoons, I’ve heard they are quite fun. Such is the shortness of the public’s memory I’m confident nobody will know who I am.”

He added: “How many Wotsits can you fit in your mouth? I managed eighteen yesterday while I was watching Nadine Dorries cry.”

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Voter wishes we could just once have woman leader who didn’t openly despise us

A VOTER who would in theory cheer on a female prime minister would prefer one who did not hate us. 

Helen Archer of Hereford believes that having a woman in power boosts all women, or would if the woman in question were not always a flint-eyed despot ready to imprison us all on principle.

She said: “I mean, it’s not impossible. Look at Nicola Sturgeon.

“She is simultaneously a woman and a person capable of responding to other human beings with actual warmth, not cold loathing and a determination to find out what they’ve done wrong and punish them for it.

“Unfortunately here in England we’re once again faced with a step forward for feminism being three to four steps back for humanity, whose rights Theresa May is actively campaigning on stripping away.”

She added: “It’s not just the right. Harriet Harman would cheerfully run over and reverse back over anyone in the way of her progressive agenda, and Hillary Clinton is a velociraptor in skin.

“Then again, my promotion to office supervisor was immediately followed by three months of vicious, bloody revenge on everyone who’d wronged me. Guess it’s our nature.”