DAVID Cameron only moved off his sofa yesterday to go to the fridge, he confirmed.
The prime minister is serving his notice by replying to the occasional email and filling his Outlook calendar with Working From Home appointments between now and October.
Cameron said; “I flicked on Sky News and apparently there was some unpleasantness yesterday which is absolutely none of my business anymore.
“What’s really lovely is that while everybody is shouting at this pack of wolverines wreaking havoc in a nursing home, they seem to have forgotten it was me that unleashed them in the first place.
“I might spend today in a Wetherspoons, I’ve heard they are quite fun. Such is the shortness of the public’s memory I’m confident nobody will know who I am.”
He added: “How many Wotsits can you fit in your mouth? I managed eighteen yesterday while I was watching Nadine Dorries cry.”