Clegg To Clean Up Politics Using His Personal Bank Account

NICK Clegg has pledged to clean up British politics as long as you can stick two hundred and fifty quid into his current account by the end of the week.

The Lib Dem sensation said that some boring accountant stuff meant it is just easier if you give it to him personally, adding that it is 'Nick' not 'Nicholas' and 'Clegg' with a double 'g'.

He added: "I am determined to clean up the pigsty that is British politics but I do have a small number of personal expenses such as ring binders, pens, my lovely assistant Rita and the odd lunch.

"Anyway, here's my card. It's got the sort code and account number in the bottom right hand corner. If you could set up a standing order that would be magic. Saves writing a lot of cheques doesn't it?"

Mr Clegg said public confidence in parliament would only be restored when businessmen were not able to influence the political process by handing over large sums of money all in one go.

"We need a new system of political donations based on monthly instalments that are much less obvious to the sort of cynical, old-fashioned journalists who are only interested in really meaty, five figure sums."

He added: "The new politics should be about re-establishing the connection between MPs and the voters, so if it's paid directly into my current account then we'll both know where it is rather than it getting lost in the faceless and rather impersonal records of a medium-sized political party."

Mr Clegg also pledged that if the Lib Dems are able to scrap the Trident missile replacement he would be happy to keep the £100bn in his NatWest account until it can be used for something more worthwhile.

He added: "Honestly it's no bother. There will be a small handling fee. Tiny, actually. Three, maybe four percent. You'll hardly notice it."

Meanwhile the Lib Dem leader has also agreed to show his birth certificate to the Daily Mail in bid to convince them that he is not Rudolf Hess.


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Frenchman Wipes Arse

FRANCE is facing its biggest upheaval in more than 40 years after a man from Nice wiped his bottom after going to the lavatory.

In a daring challenge to French culture, Jean-Pierre LaFarge, a 38 year-old philosophy student, posted a YouTube video of himself evacuating his bowel and then nervously wiping his anus with a few strips of old newspaper.

An exhausted but triumphant Mr LaFarge then turns to the camera, clutching the heavily stained material and declares: "Citizens! Follow me! I am Frenchman with a clean bottom!"

But last night France's justice minister called for LaFarge to be prosecuted claiming his 'degrading act of personal hygiene is like a dagger to the heart of the Republic'.

Michel Alliot-Marie said: "I am distressed that a Frenchman would be so lacking in patriotism that he would reach into that sacred place and attempt to disturb what remains of the world's finest cuisine."

But ordinary French people have admitted to mixed feelings over the LaFarge wiping.

Chloé DuBernay, a 37 year-old sociology student from Rouen, said: "I have occasionally been tempted to wipe my bottom, especially after a big lunch, but I would always think of my grandparents and how ashamed they would have been."

She added: "I think it is time that France, as a society, started to talk about cleaner bottoms. But we need to do it one step at a time, which is why I'm so pleased that LaFarge put the used paper in his pocket instead of flushing it down the lavatory like some dirty Englishman."

French academics have compared the war of LaFarge's anus to the Paris riots of 1968 when students took to the streets to prevent the toilets in the Sorbonne from being cleaned.

For much the 19th and early 20th centuries the French were seen as the most anally aware society in Europe until English food writer Elizabeth David revealed that bidets were used exclusively for mashing geese.