Election Campaign Still There

BRITAIN was profoundly disappointed today as the volcano-based news plume dispersed to reveal that the general election campaign has just been sitting there the whole time.

Viewers who watch the first five minutes of News at Ten before switching over to a Living TV programme about ghosts said they were positive it had all been sorted out last week.

Helen Archer, from Peterborough, said: "I thought that telly programme was the election. I told the lady on the phone that I liked the man who looked like a cross between the other men.

"I assumed that would be that, but now you're saying it's going to be on the telly every day for the next fortnight? Piss."

She added: "I want the volcano to come back. I like that kind of telly news. I find it exotic."

Martin Bishop, from Newark, added: "Oh fuck. This means I'm going to have to get in my car, go to Sheffield and do something mind-buggeringly repulsive at the world snooker championships.

"How many days coverage would I get for climbing on to the table and having frenzied, rear entry sex with grinning waxwork models of the Queen Mother and Princess Anne while holding up a sign calling for the repatriation of the black ones in UB40?

"I know the immigration argument is a bit played, but I'm sure I'd get at least a day and a half out of the symbolic defilement of two of this county's most respected horse enthusiasts."

He added: "If everyone pitches in with their own act of wanton of depravity I reckon we could see this thing right through to the end without so much as a glimpse of Tom Bradby's impossible chin."

Meanwhile Lib Dem sensation Nick Clegg has described prime minister Gordon Brown as 'desperate' in a move which etymologists said could force them to do a complete strip down and rebuild of the word 'desperate'.


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Your Astrological Week Ahead With...

Psychic Bob

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Our destiny can be shaped from birth, and this is certainly the case with you as you continue to flail through life screaming, covered in lumpy slime and being slapped by complete strangers.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week your place as Andy's favourite toy is jeopardised by the arrival of an exciting astronaut adventurer who makes you look tired and immensely boring. Don't worry too much though, as you'll all be tossed into a skip the very second he discovers how to give himself an orgasm.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your recently buoyant mood and unprecedented popularity following a successful televised debate soon evaporates as one of your colleagues is found in Soho, hanging out the back of a chicken.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You talkin' to me? You talkin' to ME? What? Oh, I thought you were. My apologies.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Teenage dreams so hard to beat, every time she walks down the street. Another girl in the neighbourhood, wish she was mine, she looks so good. But, y'know, what with you being on the register and everything…

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your colleague has clearly marked their coffee mug with a waterproof pen, so there's little excuse when you're found in the gents dipping your balls into it.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Mindful of getting your five portions a day, this week sees you switching to lemon-scented bleach as your after-work tipple of choice.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your joke application to become manager of Liverpool FC in order to get the dole off your case backfires as you're hired and soon find yourself having to answer to a city full of whingeing criminals.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
H Samuel asks you to take your custom elsewhere this week as you return an unwanted engagement ring for the seventh time in six months.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Difficult times recently as a mix-up in the printers sees the self-help book you bought feature several chapters from Bravo Two Zero and you're arrested for the de-Baathification of your local kebab shop.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your social life has been hectic this month as the voices in your head and the evil spirit that lives in your radiators both start arguing with the messages you've been receiving via your fillings.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
God grant you the courage to change what you cannot accept, the serenity to accept what you cannot change and the common decency to shut the fuck up about it.