JEREMY Corbyn has celebrated his first two weeks of not being assassinated by the British establishment.
The Labour leader said his first fortnight in charge had been ‘stunningly successful’, based mainly on the fact that he was still alive.
He added: “I’ve not been nudged in front of a tube train or garrotted in a toilet cubicle in the House of Commons.
“And, much to my surprise, MI5 does not seem to have planted poisonous mushrooms in my allotment.
“Meanwhile, I would like to thank Peter Mandelson for his thinly veiled message to MI5, urging them to ‘wait and see’ before killing me.”
But Corbyn stressed he would not be complacent about MI5 and confirmed that Billy Bragg had ‘finally agreed’ to become his official food taster.