Corbyn hoping Tories go for an unelectable fanatic as well

JEREMY Corbyn has backed Andrea Leadsom to be Tory leader on the grounds that unelectable radicals should stick together. 

The Labour leader believes that a straight choice between two fringe politicians catapulted into frontline politics by extremists is exactly what Britain deserves.

He said: “We may be very different on the surface – she believes that you can spot career criminals as toddlers, I think prison should be abolished – but we actually have a lot in common.

“We both hate our own parties, we’re both planning political re-education camps for the public, neither of us will relinquish our grip on power for anything short of a military coup, it’s uncanny.”

Leadsom agreed: “You know those scenes in thrillers when the deranged, obsessive cop finally confronts the serial killer and he says ‘You and I, we’re the same?’

“That is so me and Jeremy.”

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Britain to get retractable roof

THE UK is to ditch Trident and spend the £170 billion savings on a retractable roof to cover the entire country. 

The roof, based on those used in sports arenas, would cover the whole of the UK during bad weather leaving everyone nice and dry.

Joanna Kramer, head of the civil service procurement team, says: “What’s actually made British lives miserable these last 50 years, Russian ICBMs raining down or actual rain?

“A barbecue isn’t ruined by the threat of nuclear holocaust – if anything it adds piquancy – but countless garden parties and school sports days have been turned into soul-sapping washouts since 1945.

“Imagine the peace of mind, the security of seeing it roll out overhead, the washing on the line safe at last.”

But Nicola Sturgeon said, “Would you trust Theresa May to have her finger on the button? It’d always be closed for rain in London when it’s lovely in Edinburgh.

“We demand to have our own independent roof which also covers the European Union.”