THE Wimbledon Tennis Championship concluded on Wednesday but nobody noticed, officials have confirmed.
Serena Williams and Andy Murray have both won their respective finals and been awarded their trophies in front of an oblivious audience glued to their smartphones.
Fan Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently it’s been quite interesting this year, though not as interesting as the dystopian farce of Britain crumbling into the sea.
“Roger Federer said some unacceptable things to a line judge at a crucial moment in a thrilling final, I’m told, and Tony Blair could actually be charged with war crimes.
“Not related, but that’s where my focus has been.”
Thousands still gathered in front of the giant TV screens on Murray Mount, but halfway through the men’s final someone got up and switched over to BBC News 24.
The tournament was filmed for posterity and will be shown on the emergency broadcast network to calm the nation when martial law is declared early in 2018.