Wimbledon finished two days ago

THE Wimbledon Tennis Championship concluded on Wednesday but nobody noticed, officials have confirmed. 

Serena Williams and Andy Murray have both won their respective finals and been awarded their trophies in front of an oblivious audience glued to their smartphones.

Fan Roy Hobbs said: “Apparently it’s been quite interesting this year, though not as interesting as the dystopian farce of Britain crumbling into the sea.

“Roger Federer said some unacceptable things to a line judge at a crucial moment in a thrilling final, I’m told, and Tony Blair could actually be charged with war crimes.

“Not related, but that’s where my focus has been.”

Thousands still gathered in front of the giant TV screens on Murray Mount, but halfway through the men’s final someone got up and switched over to BBC News 24.

The tournament was filmed for posterity and will be shown on the emergency broadcast network to calm the nation when martial law is declared early in 2018.

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Sam Allardyce disqualified from England job by wanting it

SAM Allardyce has been ruled out as England manager because he would actually like to do the job, the FA has confirmed. 

The Sunderland manager, who has a track record of taking teams who are not as good as they think and making them better, has repulsed FA chiefs with his enthusiasm and keenness.

A spokesman said: “He actually wants the job? He wants to be England manager? What’s wrong with him?

“Oh dear me no. No, we’re looking for a foreign manager with an impressive CV who is ideally still employed and not in the least interested in the position, like Arsene Wenger.

“After that we’ll try someone high-profile but unemployed, like Frank de Boer, then Louis van Gaal and Guus Hiddink both have the recent record of failure and huge salaries we’re looking for.”

The spokesman added: “The priority has to be getting the rights results in qualification for the 2018 World Cup in Russia and 2022 in Qatar. We don’t want to go to either of those.”