Correct deckchair placement could have saved the Titanic, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has argued that if deckchairs on the Titanic had been properly arranged it would have successfully completed its journey. 

The Labour leader believes that a placement of deckchairs according to principle, not short-term pragmatism, backed by a substantial majority of third-class passengers would have made hull damage irrelevant.

He continued: “People talk about the Titanic as if it was doomed from the moment it hit that iceberg, when it was a marvellous opportunity to reconfigure seating to reduce inequality on board.

“Positioning first-class passengers toward the ship’s stern and redistributing third-class passengers into the ballroom would have seen the Titanic proudly and fairly sailing into New York.

“But instead the wealthy selfishly put their own survival above the good of the collective. If only I had been there.”

Corbyn added: “I, of course, would’ve placed myself at the ship’s bow supporting Diane Abbott while declaring myself to be the people’s representative of the world.

“I have a clear mandate to do so.”

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UKIP now Britain’s natural party of government

UKIP is now so pathologically fucked up it has become Britain’s natural party of government, experts have confirmed.

With the party’s MEPs punching each other very hard in the face just 48 hours after the leader resigned after being in the job for a full 18 days, leading academics insisted UKIP and Britain were now so well matched they could finish each other’s sentences.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “A violent, divided, dysfunctional, flailing mess, that doesn’t have the faintest clue as to what it’s going to do next.

“And UKIP’s also having a spot of bother.”

He added: “There are a great many people in Britain who genuinely believe in sorting things out with a proper fight – that results in hospitalisation – before continuing to conduct their lives in a way that can only be described as ‘ill-judged’.

“If politics is about understanding and reflecting the values of a country then Britain truly has found its soulmate.”