Crewe Goes All Fancy

CREWE was prancing around quite the thing last night after getting itself a fancy new millionaire to represent it in parliament.

The Cheshire town went all la-di-da just after 2am and immediately started organising a hoity-toity tea party with cucumber sandwiches.

Crewe's neighbours dismissed the sudden interest in finery, stressing the town wouldn't know a fish knife if someone stabbed them with it.

But last night the town was proudly showing off its new MP and is already planning a charabanc trip to Ascot.

Margaret Thompson, head of the local chamber of commerce, said: "Everyone, this is Edward.

"Look at his lovely clean fingernails. He's got more than one suit, he knows which wine to order and he talks like one of them newsreaders off the telly."

She added: "He's even got some A levels, not like that dirty brute from Congleton with his coarse language and his constant wind."

Edward Timpson, the new MP, said: "Crewe is an awful place with terrible problems and yet I find the people are always so jolly."

Mr Timpson said his first act would be to hand out shiny pennies from the steps of the town hall and lay on free beer and pickled eggs.

He added: "And one day soon I will choose one of you to accompany me to the grandest ball in all London!"

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Do You Need Us To Call You A Cab? Britain Asks Brown

BRITAIN last night told the prime minister it was getting really quite late while making a big fuss of cleaning up the living room.

As Gordon Brown started yet another story about meeting Bono, Britain put its hand gently on his back and laughed saying, 'well that's just great – did you have a coat, by the way?'.

But despite Britain's wife collecting the empty glasses as noisily as possible, Mr Brown continued to sip slowly at his white wine before suggesting Britain put some more music on.

The prime minister was invited after a friend said he was really interesting and deep. But after half an hour it became increasingly clear to everyone in the room that he was just awful.

Britain's friend Geoff said: "Who the fuck is this guy? He keeps frowning at everyone and having a go at them for getting drunk or betting on the Grand National.

"What an arsehole. I'm a bit worried about losing my job and I just fancied a few drinks and a laugh, but instead I get stuck in the kitchen with Night of the Living McDead."

Britain added: "I knew something was up when I got a text from Tony saying, 'How you getting on with Gordon? HA HA – Fuck You'."

Britain has now spent the last two hours looking at its watch and pointing out that it has to be up at 6.30.